


There You Are

by kitty_cupcake



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Actor Zayn Malik, Anxiety, Bottom Zayn Malik, Depression, Drug Use, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Singer Zayn Malik, Smut, Top Liam Payne, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:09:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 31,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27133645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitty_cupcake/pseuds/kitty_cupcake
Summary: Zayn is a break-through superstar with his first movie and first single out. He had never dared to think about how he is sometimes attracted to men and legally he isn't allowed to be sexually involved with men. His management had made sure to put that in his contract.Well, Zayn meets Liam, a kinda broke student, who has absolutely no clue that Zayn is a celebrity. And Zayn has no idea how he is supposed to handle his attraction to Liam in addition to all his other problems.
Relationships: Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 18
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, my first Ziam fic!  
> Please be gentle, English isn't my first language but I'm doing my best :D
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It all started because Zayn was feeling restless. Again. He often felt restless and antsy and somehow itchy when he was lying in bed and because he wasn’t capable of staying in bed tonight, he got up and put his clothes back on. He ruffled through his black hair before he put on a wooly hat, his black sneakers and a warm jacket, because it was January and there was a thin layer of snow outside.  
He wasn’t actually supposed to wander around alone at night, but tonight he didn’t care about that stupid rule made by his management. Of course Zayn knew that it was only for his safety, but sometimes it was a bother nonetheless. 

The 20-year-old didn’t have a particular target when he left his loft and started to wander off into the dark streets, so he just let his thoughts swirl around his head while he walked. He didn’t even know why he felt so restless tonight or what it was that kept him awake, but to be honest, he rarely knew what exactly it was. There were a lot of things that were on his mind and sometimes they just overwhelmed him and put him on edge. 

He had walked for like thirty minutes when he found himself nearby a small restaurant called ‘Bread meats Bread’, which he knew from his teenage years. Not that he had had the chance to eat in restaurants when he was younger, but he knew that this place had existed back then and he somehow felt the urge to enter it. Just for a small drink and perhaps a snack if the kitchen was still open, which was highly doubtful at this late hour. Zayn hesitated just for a second, because he really didn’t want to be recognized in this place, but as far as he could see from outside, there were only a few people left, so … yeah, that was that. 

Slowly, he pushed open the heavy door, looked around and - crashed directly into someone. There was a loud noise when a whole bunch of glasses fell onto the ground and shattered into pieces. 

“Oh, shit! I’m sorry!”, Zayn said at once while he got down on his knees in an attempt to clean up the floor.

“No, no, it wasn’t your fault. Just … let it be. I’m gonna do this.”

The voice was male and young and pleasant and when Zayn looked up, he looked into brown eyes. Warm and kind brown eyes that sparkled at him and looked so soft that he felt a sudden tingle somewhere in his stomach. 

“Oh … you sure? I - I really can help, I ran into you and … “

“I’m sure, just take a seat and I’ll be there for you in a sec!” 

The boy smiled at him and Zayn felt his cheeks heat up just a little bit before he slowly got up and nodded. He looked around in the not too spacious guest room and found that there were only two couples left who didn’t pay them any attention. Zayn decided to sit at the bar, mostly because he could sit with his back to the other people, so only the waiter would see him up front. 

He slowly put off his jacket when the boy with the kind brown eyes and brown hair that was styled into a quiff came back behind the bar and threw a bunch of glass shards into a bin. 

“So. Hey!” The boy smiled expectantly at him and there was absolutely no trace of recognition in him, which made Zayn relax instantly. Not that it was bad when people recognized him, he just wasn’t entirely used to it by now and right now he wasn’t in the mood for that. He just wanted to get out of his bedroom for a minute, get a bit of distraction and drink something. 

“Hi”, Zayn replied, smiling at the waiter. “Sorry again. I didn’t mean to run into you like that. Or at all.” He slowly put off his wooly hat and ran his finger through his hair while he noticed that the waiter followed the motion with his eyes. Once again, Zayn shyly averted his eyes and tried to stop himself from blushing. He wasn’t exactly shy or insecure, not in the slightest, but sometimes he felt kind of self-conscious when he was around attractive men and … fuck, this one wasn’t just attractive. He was outright fucking hot and even though he didn’t know what to do with this information, he was able to notice it. 

The boy shook his head. “No problem, really. So, well. What can I get you?”

“Just a coke, please.”

He watched him make his drink before he placed it in front of him, once again this kind smile on his face that made his eyes crinkle. 

“Thanks. Uh… is the kitchen still open?”

“Oh, I have to check, but I guess. If not, I can prepare a snack for you.” Zayn eyed the boy curiously, not sure whether he was just kind and going out of his way for good customer service or if this was a “oh-he’s-a-star” - behaviour. 

“Thanks, but that’s not necessary. I’m just in the mood to eat something, but I won’t starve to death without a snack.”

“Okay then, what do you like?”

“Just some … fries or something?”

The boy nodded and vanished into the kitchen, so Zayn took a sip of his coke and exhaled loudly. Just a minute later, he came back to Zayn and grinned. 

“Fries are on the way.”

“Thanks!” 

“Oh, I’m Liam, by the way.”

Liam. Zayn liked the name and it somehow fitted the man standing in front of him. He hesitated again, because he was probably supposed to state his own name now, but the thing was … his name wasn’t too common and he feared that Liam might recognize him by his name. It wouldn’t be bad, really, if he knew who he was, but Zayn much prefered to have a perfectly normal conversation with someone without this whole celebrity thing hanging in the room. He wanted to be treated like a normal human being who was more than a face on posters, but he couldn’t quite remember when he last had a conversation like that. 

“Zayn”, he finally said, but Liam merely smiled and nodded and once again, there was no sign of recognition in his behaviour. 

He took another sip from his cold coke and only two minutes later, the cook came and put a plate full of fries on the counter. Liam took it and placed it in front of Zayn, smiling at him, before he busied himself with whatever he had to do.  
Zayn took one piece between his fingers and started to nibble on it while he watched Liam working on the register. 

“Do you go to uni or is this your full-time job?”

He really didn’t want to be nosy but he was slightly curious and Liam was just … good-looking and nice and … yeah. 

“Nah, this is just to pay for uni and rent.”

“What do you study?”

“Music and stage production.”

Zayn raised his eyebrows and let his fingers sink down onto the counter. 

“You’re into music?”

“Yeah, but more like … I like the background stuff. Mixing the music, melodies, creating everything that happens on stage. Light and picture and all that.” Liam was literally glowing with joy and it was more than obvious that he really liked his choice of study. 

“Sounds great. How far are you?”

“Still a year and a half to go.”

Zayn smiled at him and started eating his fries again. 

“And you?”

“Oh, I’m … kind of trying to be an actor. And a singer.”

“You’re trying?” 

“Yeah, well, I’m only at the beginning and it’s a rough business.”

Zayn averted his eyes, because he wasn’t technically lying but it wasn’t really the truth either. He _was_ at the beginning of his career, but with just this one movie, he had been able to become an international superstar and his first single went right to #1 on numerous charts. 

“You’ve done something I know?”

Liam looked at him curiously and Zayn slightly panicked. 

“Uhm. I don’t think so. I’m quite inexperienced and just trying.”

Okay, now he came scarily close to lying and he wasn’t even sure why he did it. He probably just didn’t want Liam to look at him differently. He liked the way he smiled at him and he didn’t want that to change. Not when he wouldn’t see him ever again after this little conversation, which was more than probable. 

“Okay, let me know when there’s something I can watch or listen to.”

“Yeah, uhm, sure. So … do you have any hobbies?”

Zayn didn’t know if his change of topic was too obvious, but Liam didn’t show any sign of discomfort or suspicion. 

“Not really at the moment. I do a lot of sport, but with all the work here and for uni I don’t have much time for anything else. My sister can’t even get me into the cinema. Oh and I don’t have a boyfriend.”

Zayn’s eyebrows shot up into his messy hair at this last piece of information, because … he didn’t really know why he had said it in the first place. Liam looked at him with red cheeks and Zayn was lost for words for a moment or two. He didn’t think that he gave him the impression that he was into boys, because … he wasn’t. Okay, well, he did notice when a man was attractive or handsome and there were moments where he questioned his attraction to girls, but … he just wasn’t allowed to be into boys. He wasn’t allowed and it scared him and he just didn’t know what to do. 

“Oh… okay”, he finally said, slightly blushing and suddenly not sure what he was supposed to do with his hands. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t - just forget it, okay?”

Zayn looked at him curiously and with slightly wide eyes, before he started sipping his coke again. 

“Okay.”

Liam smiled again and busied himself with work, so Zayn continued to eat his fries while he watched him everytime he was sure the other man wouldn’t notice. Liam was exceptionally handsome and Zayn’s eyes lingered on his muscular biceps and shoulders before they wandered over his beautiful face and his nice hair. He had plush lips and a scruff and Zayn made sure he averted his eyes before Liam saw he was watching him. 

Zayn’s phone started buzzing in his jeans pocket and after pulling it out, he saw that it was Carl, the guy who had been hired as a portier in his building. Of course, he had noticed that he had left his loft and hadn’t returned until now and because his management thought it too dangerous for him to walk alone at night, he called him to come back home. Fuckers. Zayn understood why they were worried, but he hated to be controlled like that. 

“I should go”, he said with a sigh in Liam’s direction, who came to grab his nearly empty plate. “Thanks for … well, thanks.” He wasn’t sure what he was thanking Liam for, so he just pulled out his briefcase and put a few pounds on the bar.

“See you. Hopefully.” Zayn smiled vaguely at Liam, not sure what his own words meant.

“Goodnight, Zayn.” Liam returned his smile, while Zayn put on his jacket and grabbed his hat. He glanced at him one last time, sensing this fluttery feeling inside of him again. He left the restaurant and picked up the third call from Carl once he was outside.

“Yes? Yeah - Yeah, I’m coming - I said I’m coming, okay?”

He ended the call and sighed loudly, before he made his way back home. It took him a bit more than fifteen minutes the direct way until he reached his building, grumpily waving at Carl and taking the elevator up to the top floor. 

A few minutes later, he was lying in bed and again, he felt kind of restless, but this time it was for a completely different reason. 

Liam.

Zayn closed his eyes and at once, he saw Liam’s kind brown eyes and his beautiful smile. His trained arms and shoulders. He heard his voice, wishing him a good night and saying his name. He felt his heart stutter and the tingly feeling in his insides and even though he didn’t know whether he fancied men, he was completely positive that he was totally fascinated by Liam.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, second chapter! Let me know what you think!

Zayn woke up the next morning and instantly knew that he was screwed. The first thing he thought about were those kind brown puppy-eyes, so he rolled over with a groan and pressed his pillow onto his face. He just couldn’t do that. He couldn’t wake up and instantly think about a guy he didn’t even know. Well, he couldn’t think about a guy. Period. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to be with a boy, even if he really came to the conclusion that he fancied men. His management had made sure that it had been put into the contract he had signed two years ago and because he hadn’t really thought that it could matter someday and he had been young and clueless, he had signed the piece of paper without a second thought. He had been so happy. He had tried to achieve this for a few years and then … then there had been this audition for the main male role for this movie and he got picked. He had been overwhelmed and happy and so, _so_ relieved to be able to leave his home, that he hadn’t put even one thought into that clause that forbid him to have an official relationship with the same sex. Or even come out. No, he had to appear heterosexual and available, of course with a bit of drama with girls, because that seemed to be what drove girls into liking actors and singers and so far, he hadn’t been too reluctant to participate in this crap. He hadn’t minded, because he thought he was into girls and it helped his career and now - there was Liam, whom he couldn’t get out of his head.  
He had never acted on these little thoughts about how handsome a guy was. Or how kissable those lips looked, because he was afraid and he had thought that it was just his objective recognition of good-looking men, but … well, deep down he had possibly known all along that there was more. 

Zayn really wanted to go back to this restaurant and see Liam again, but during the next fews days, he just wasn’t able to. He had one appointment after the other, meetings with his management, preparations for performances and just so much to work on that he fell into his bed late at night and got up early in the morning to carry on. 

It was nearly a week after their first encounter that Zayn came home early enough to shower and then head outside to the restaurant, not even knowing if Liam would be there. Or if he wanted him to be there. He was scared of what he might feel, but his urge to explore his unknown feelings was far stronger and fuck, he wanted to see Liam’s kind smile and hear his pleasant voice again. He just couldn’t resist and he told himself over and over again, that it meant absolutely _nothing_ to go back there and have a nice little conversation with a friendly guy. 

Zayn knew that it was near closing time when he finally arrived at the bar, but the lights were still on, so he carefully stepped in before looking around. For a second, he thought that Liam wasn’t even there, but then - 

“Zayn!”

Zayn sought for the source of the voice and found Liam standing in the hallway leading to the back of the restaurant where probably the storage units were hidden from the eyes of the customers. He had a wide smile on his face and looked absolutely breathtaking. 

“Hey. Uhm… are you already closed?” He felt his heartbeat quicken just by the presence of LIam and was tempted to just turn around and head back home.

“Nearly, but you can have a drink while I clean up?” Zayn swallowed hard because Liam looked far too happy to see him and he really, really shouldn’t be here. 

“Thanks.” He looked around the restaurant and found most tables and the whole bar full of dirty glasses. “Had a busy night?” He sat down on one of the stools at the bar and looked at Liam, who had a towel thrown over his shoulder which only put more focus on the muscles there. Not that Zayn was looking or something.

“Yeah, quite. Most customers just left, so I wasn’t able to start cleaning all that before. Oh and there was this woman, who was apparently some kind of superstar. Don’t ask me who it was, though, ‘cause I really have no clue, but she made a fuss about literally everything. Really, I hate those people.”

Zayn looked down at his hands, because he really had thought about telling Liam today who he was. Just for the record and so he knew that even being friends with him could be difficult sometimes because he regularly travelled the world and was in the press all the time. Yeah, he had thought about telling him the truth, but after Liam’s little speech, he pushed this idea away at once. Of course he understood that Liam had had a hard time with a celebrity who seemed to be some sort of diva but … what if he thought, that _every_ celebrity behaved like that? That Zayn was just a superficial star who liked to order people around to fulfill his wishes? He knew he wasn’t like that but Liam didn’t and Zayn really didn’t want to ruin his chances before even having them in the first place. 

“Oh. Sounds bad.” 

For a moment, he didn’t know what else to say, so he just looked up at Liam, who had this smile on his face even despite his little rant. 

“Yeah, well. I’m just glad those people don’t come here often. You like Jack and Cola?” Zayn nodded at the question only to watch Liam prepare two drinks before he put one of them in front of Zayn.

“Well then, cheers.” Zayn grabbed his drink and clinked his glass with Liam’s. He took a sip and coughed a little. “Strong.” They both grinned and Zayn let his gaze wander over all the dirty tables again.

“Need some help?”

“What? No. You’re a customer, I won’t let you do my job.”

Zayn rolled his eyes and smiled. They held up a light conversation while sipping their drinks and because Liam started to wash all the dirty glasses, Zayn was able to watch him secretly. 

“So, do you work here often then?”

“Yeah, like three or four nights a week. Have to keep the balance to uni though, otherwise I won’t be able to pass my courses. Sometimes that’s the hardest part.”

“Mhm, can’t your parents help you a bit with rent or something?”

“My Mom tries, but I like to be independent. I don’t want her to pay for my stuff when it’s hard enough for her to earn enough for my sister and her.”

“You have a sister?”

“Yeah, she’s sixteen and a real nightmare. What about you?”

Zayn grinned at that. 

“I have a brother who is seventeen, so I feel that.”

He loved his brother to pieces but sometimes he just wanted to throw him out of the window. Out of the window of his loft, so he’d fall a long way down. 

Liam’s mobile rang, so he excused himself, took a few steps back and answered the call. Zayn went back to watching him and once again, he found himself slightly entranced by the way his lips moved while talking and his biceps bulged when he moved his phone to his other ear. The call lasted only a minute or two, but from the look on Liam’s face, it wasn’t good news.

“What’s up?” Zayn asked him curiously even though it was probably none of his business.

“That was my flatmate. It seems we have some kind of … issue. A burst pipe or something, but I can’t go home tonight.”

“Oh, shit. And eh, do you have somewhere to crash?”

“Mhh, yeah, I could ring up my Mom or one of my mates…” Liam seemed hesitant and Zayn could only explain this with how late it was already. It was a bit after midnight and most of his contacts were probably already asleep. Zayn looked at him for a second and before he could even question his own thoughts, he opened his mouth. 

“You can … like, I have a guest room. So, if you like..”

Liam looked at him in confusion before he realised that Zayn wanted him to crash at his home. 

“Oh. Eh, no that’s not … you don’t need … it’s a nice offer but I will be busy for another hour and you don’t have to wait and …”

Zayn smiled at Liam’s rushed words and shrugged. 

“I don’t mind waiting and my offer for helping you is still up. And I swear I won’t strangle you in your sleep or rob you or anything.”

“Well …”

“C’mon, Liam. It’s the easiest way and you won’t have to wake up your family or your friends.”

Zayn bit down on his cheek, because he practically pushed Liam into agreeing although he knew that it was so, so wrong. He couldn’t have him at home, but on the other hand … it was just a friendly gesture and Liam could sleep in his guest room or on the couch, so … no harm done. And he really didn’t look forward to having Liam in his loft. Really, he didn’t. He just wanted to be friendly.

“Mmhh, well then… okay, I guess. But only if that‘s really okay with you.“

„Sure!“ Zayn beamed at him and stood up, before he reached for one of the trays and wandered off to the dirty tables. He put the dirty glasses on the tray and carried it over to the bar, where he emptied it and then repeated everything until all the glasses were gone from the tables. Liam had carried on with washing the dirty glasses, so a whole lot of clean and wet glasses were now waiting to be dried. 

Zayn grabbed one of the towels and came behind the bar and just when he started to squeeze between Liam and the wall that was full of shelves with liquor and glasses, Liam turned around. They were so close that Zayn could smell his scent that was still alarmingly pleasant even though Liam had a whole shift of hard work done. Zayn felt his cheeks flush and only for a second he allowed himself to look straight into Liam‘s warm eyes. Only a heartbeat that he didn‘t really feel in his chest, before he stepped aside and coughed a little.

„Thank you, really.“

He looked at Liam, who smiled at him warmly and made Zayn‘s heart flutter slightly.

„Not at all.“

He returned Liam‘s smile and busied himself with drying the glasses and then putting them back into the shelves while Liam was still washing the dirty ones. 

Zayn just grabbed another glass when all of a sudden a handful of soap foam was thrown into his face. He gasped, looked up and found Liam grinning right into his face.

„Did you just…“, Zayn started, but before he could carry on, Liam put his hand back into the sink and splashed a bit of water at him. A grin spread over Zayn‘s lips, before he threw himself at Liam, reached into the sink and threw a whole handful of water straight into Liam‘s face and onto his chest. 

A loud laugh escaped him when Liam looked at him in mild surprise, but because Liam was in the much better position right next to the sink and Zayn was slightly worried about his wrath, he held up his hands in defeat.

„I surrender!“, he exclaimed while his eyes only shortly fixed on the now wet spots on Liam‘s shirt. 

“Okay, okay.” 

They both laughed and got back to work, but only a minute later, Liam stepped closer to him, lifted his hand and reached at Zayn‘s cheek. His eyes widened and he had no idea what was going on, but a second later, Liam brushed softly over his hair at the side of his head and smiled. 

„Foam. There was a bit of foam..“ Liam‘s voice was soft and once again, Zayn felt himself blushing slightly.

„Oh. Yeah, thanks.“ 

For a second or two they looked into each other‘s eyes before Liam cleared his throat and stepped back. Zayn felt his heart race and his hands tremble just a little bit. 

„I‘m gonna… ehm, clean the tables. Turn the music up, will you?“

Zayn smiled at Liam who nodded and turned up the volume of the background music. He took a cloth and went back into the guest room where he started wiping the tables, humming to the music and swaying his hips just a little. He wasn‘t too much of a dancer, but he liked dancing in discos to the beat of loud music. Only after two or three minutes, he noticed that Liam was watching him.

“What? Am I not doing this right?” Zayn asked, looking at the table surface in front of him.

“No, you’re doing fantastic.”

Liam turned away and carried on cleaning the bar and half an hour later, they were finally done. 

“Jeez, do people always leave a mess like this?” Zayn asked him curiously and just a bit annoyed at how dirty some of the tables had been. 

“Sometimes, yes. But it’s okay for the most part.”

It took them only five more minutes to drink up and then leave the restaurant through the back door, which led them to a small backyard, where apparently, Liam’s bike was waiting for him. He opened the lock and came back to Zayn. 

“It’s just fifteen minutes to my place”, he informed the slightly taller man, who was now walking beside him, pushing his bike. 

“Okay.” Liam smiled at him and the orange streetlights made his smile even more fascinating. “So, what do you do, except for trying to be an actor or a singer?”

“Oh uhm … well, not much, really. It takes a lot of time, you know. Auditioning for roles, working on music, there’s not much time left for other stuff. But I like playing video games and reading comic books.”

“You like comic books?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Do you have a favourite?”

“Uhm .. I guess that’d be Batman. But I like all the superhero stuff.”

Zayn looked at Liam, who was now pulling at a thin silver chain around his neck that vanished into his shirt. But after pulling it out, Zayn looked at what was hanging at the chain and … a broad grin spread across his face, because it was a small Batman pendant. 

“You like Batman, too?”

“Yep.”

They both grinned and started a heated discussion about the Batman movies and their actors.

“No, I tell you, Bale was a good one. I love the Dark Knight series.”

“Yeah, but Keaton was a classic. You can’t seriously tell me that you think Bale is better than Keaton.”

“He is.”

“No, he’s not.”

“Okay, but what about Pattinson? Have you seen the new trailer?”

“Yeah, not sure about that one. Looks kinda good, but we’ll have to see.”

“I guess.”

They held up their discussion until they finally reached Zayn’s building around fifteen minutes later.

„You can lock up your bike over there.“ Zayn pointed in the vague direction of a small backyard, where Liam locked his bike before they entered the building. He noticed that Liam looked around rather curiously and Zayn couldn’t really blame him for that. The foyer alone was quite spacious and luxurious and there was absolutely no chance that Liam didn’t see the guy who welcomed them. Zayn acted as if nothing had happened and led the other man to the elevator, pushed the button to the top floor and smiled at Liam. He was quite nervous to be honest, because if Liam was suspicious of the entrance of his building then he would surely be even more suspicious when he saw his flat. It wasn't Buckingham Palace or anything but it should be obvious that he wasn’t completely broke. 

The door pinged open and Zayn led him to the only door, fumbled a bit with his keys and then let Liam step into his flat. He turned on the lights and saw Liam’s eyes widen just a little bit. They stood in a wide room, on their left was a big dining table and a luxurious kitchen, on their right stood his piano, a big couch and a flat screen tv that hung on the wall. 

“Uhm … wow, that’s pretty nice.”

“Yeah, well … my family..”, he lied vaguely without even telling him anything. He cleared his throat, slipped out of his shoes and hung up his jacket before taking Liam’s jacket out of his hands and hanging it up next to his own. Liam seemed to be satisfied with his non-existent explanation or he just didn’t want to be nosy, so he just nodded and looked around.

“I’ll give you a tour,” Zayn said, beckoning him forward. “Sooo, that’s the living room, my dining table, the kitchen … and there in the back is my bedroom, the guest room and my bathroom.” He led Liam to the guest room and then to his own bedroom, which included a huge bed and an even huger wardrobe. He felt himself blush slightly, because his bed wasn’t made and a sudden image of himself with Liam wrapped in his sheets flashed across his inner eye. Zayn coughed, before he turned to Liam who seemed quite impressed and nodded his approval. 

“Uhm, do you want to take a shower? I can lend you some of my clothes.”

“I’d love to, thanks. I feel like I am greasy from head to toe.”

“Okay, let me just find something to wear for you…”

Zayn walked over to his wardrobe and rummaged for black sweat pants and a shirt.

“That’s really not necessary…”

“Oh, shut up, Liam. Just take the clothes and go shower!” Zayn grinned at him and Liam took the pants and the shirt and nodded. 

“You can use all my stuff and there are clean towels in the cupboard. Just help yourself.”

He showed Liam the way to the bathroom before going back into the kitchen, where he grabbed some drinks and cold pizza from the fridge. He took out his phone and when he heard the water of the shower being turned on, he leaned on his kitchen counter and opened Twitter. For a few minutes, he busied himself with checking his notifications and answering tweets of his fans. Zayn loved being online and communicating with fans, especially when he saw how they freaked out when he noticed them in any way. Even a like or retweet made some of them go crazy and he totally loved their dedication, even though he didn’t quite get all the hype around his person. 

Ten minutes later, he heard the water stop and only shortly afterwards, the bathroom door opened. Zayn had his eyes on his phone, but when he noticed Liam walking past him, he looked up and - with a loud bang, his phone fell onto his kitchen counter. Liam stood there, only dressed in the black sweatpants but from his hips upwards, he was naked. Zayn’s eyes travelled over his abs, his defined chest, his muscular arms and then up to those brown eyes that looked directly into his own. He blushed furiously and quickly averted his gaze. 

“Your shirt is a bit tight, uhm …”

“Oh, I’m gonna … go look for …” Zayn stuttered and without finishing his sentence, he hurried back into his bedroom, where he searched for a bigger shirt and told himself, again, that he needed to fucking calm down. The thing was, he had suspected that Liam was quite well built, but seeing his naked torso right in front of his eyes was … highly unsettling. Shit, the man was so attractive and hot and … Zayn hadn’t expected himself to react like that. He had seen a lot of naked guys in his life but he had never been close to a heart attack back in the showers of his high school. To be honest, there hadn’t been one single guy he had been even remotely attracted to, but Liam … Liam made his heart flutter and his cheeks blush and he didn’t know what to do with that. 

He finally found a shirt that might fit Liam and had the fluttery feeling in his stomach under control, so he slowly came back into his living room, where he handed Liam the shirt. The brown-haired boy smiled at him before he got dressed.

“Thank you.”

Zayn nodded and smiled.

“So uhm … I have cold pizza from yesterday and … do you want to watch a movie? I can make popcorn.”

It was late and they should probably just go to bed, but now that Liam was here in his loft, he wanted to enjoy this as long as possible. 

“Sure, can I help you with anything?”

“Here, you can take the drinks. You want beer?”

Liam nodded and took two of the beer bottles from the kitchen counter and put them on the coffee table, while Zayn put a bag of popcorn into the microwave.

“What do you want to watch?” He asked Liam.

“How about The Dark Knight?” 

Zayn quietly laughed at this response.

“Then we can talk about Heath Ledger’s legendary performance as Joker.”

The microwave pinged, Zayn grabbed the bag and filled a bowl with the hot popcorn, before he took it to his couch and fell into the soft cushions, Liam sitting down next to him with a little less space between them than would normally be appropriate. Especially because his couch was really spacious so there was absolutely no need to sit so close. Zayn didn’t mind, though, but felt once again this little fluttery feeling inside of him. 

Zayn started the movie, leaned back and took a sip from his beer, before he cast a sideway glance at Liam. The other boy was focused on the TV, eating a slice of pizza and looking so good that Zayn quickly averted his eyes again.  
They watched the first fifteen minutes or so, occasionally making quiet conversation over little details. Zayn helped himself with popcorn, but Liam took the bowl out of his hands and shook his head, grinning. 

“You are supposed to eat pizza first.”

“But I want popcorn.” Zayn grinned.

“But that’s the rule. First the pizza, then the popcorn.”

“Says who?”

“Say I.”

Zayn laughed at this and tried to get the bowl back, but Liam held it so far away from him that he couldn’t reach it. He leaned over Liam and tried to ignore his pleasant scent that was now mixed with his own because he had used his shower gel and wore his clothes. They fell to the side, Zayn grinned at Liam and - Liam kissed him.

It lasted only a few seconds but Zayn felt like the whole world stopped turning. His heart stuttered and then started racing again, his skin felt hot and Liam’s lips were so soft and warm that Zayn couldn’t stop his eyelids from fluttering shut. Not that he tried, honestly. 

Liam softly ended the kiss and looked at him with an insecure smile while Zayn stared at him with wide eyes. 

“Wha -? Did you -?” He didn’t really know what he wanted to ask him, but when he saw the softness in Liam’s eyes, he was positive that none of it mattered. It didn’t matter that Zayn had never kissed a guy before or that they hardly knew each other or that he had lied to Liam about who he was … none of that was important.

“Oh, I … I’m …” Liam stuttered, obviously thinking that the kiss had been a mistake, but before he could finish his sentence, Zayn leaned in and pressed his lips on Liam’s. He kissed him gently and was slightly surprised that his head was completely empty. Zayn thought about absolutely nothing, just enjoying Liam’s soft lips on his, sensing his warm fingers on his cheek and his body softly pressed against his own. He sighed a little into the kiss and when Liam finally pulled away, they were both smiling. 

“Do you even know how beautiful you are?”, Liam asked softly, making Zayn blush and smile shyly, but before he could respond, Liam leaned in again, stealing another gentle kiss. His eyes travelled over Zayn’s face down to his neck and then to his arms, where his sleeves had been slightly pushed upwards, now revealing a few of his tattoos. 

“You have tattoos”, he stated vaguely, making Zayn nod. 

“Yeah…”

“I like it. Do they all have a deeper meaning?”

“Mhh, not all of them. I got my first one when I was sixteen and so drunk that I couldn’t even remember getting it.”

“You found someone who tattooed you when you were underage and drunk?”

“Hmh, pretty respectable tattoo studio, eh?”

They both grinned, but when Liam started to travel the black ink on his forearm with his finger, Zayn shuddered a little, getting goosebumps from his light touch. 

“What’s that?” Liam asked quietly, softly encircling the Roman numbers on his wrist.

“Oh, that’s a … date.”

“A date?” Liam seemed to be curious, searching his eyes and looking so handsome that Zayn could not not trust him with this piece of personal information.

“It’s my mother’s birthday. She died more than 10 years ago.”

“Oh … oh, I’m sorry, Zayn.”

Zayn shrugged a little, not wanting to deepen this conversation right now. 

“It’s okay. It’s … well, no, it’s not, but we don’t have to talk about that now.” He smiled at Liam, who nodded and started to trace another tattoo with his finger, before he travelled up to his neck again and then putting his hand back on his cheek. For a few seconds they just looked into each other’s eyes, making Zayn’s heart flutter once again. He could barely breathe and when Liam leaned in this time, Zayn’s eyes closed before their lips met, ready to lose himself in Liam’s scent and his caring lips.  
They had kissed for a minute or two before Liam opened his lips, caressing Zayn’s bottom lip with his tongue, asking for entrance. Zayn responded nearly immediately, parting his lips and moaning softly when they deepened their kiss. The soft moan seemed to do something to Liam, because a second later, he gently pushed the black-haired boy onto his back, leaning over him and kissing him more urgently. Zayn wrapped his arms around Liam’s muscular shoulders, pulled him closer and just couldn’t get enough of his lips, his scent, his body, the way he looked at him. Liam started to kiss his cheek and this throat, wandering down to his shoulder and his collarbone, while his hands roamed slowly over his slim form, leaving Zayn a bit light-headed and out of breath. He pushed Liam’s shirt up and started to caress his bare back and shoulders with his fingertips.. 

“Take off your shirt,” he murmured, pushing the shirt even higher up and then watching Liam sit up a little, so he could take off the shirt and throw it on the floor.

“Fuck, you’re fit!” Zayn groaned, grabbing Liam’s neck and pulling him close again. Liam moaned against his lips while Zayn busied himself with travelling over his naked torso with his hands. He felt the other boy’s fingers in his hair and when he softly pulled at it, Zayn felt all his blood travel south straight into his groin. He groaned and followed Liam’s lead, leaning his head a bit to the side, so he had better access to his neck. He felt himself getting hard and he was sure that Liam could feel it too.

“I didn’t come here to do that, you know,” Liam breathed against his skin, giving Zayn a new wave of goosebumps. 

“I know, just … go on,” Zayn moaned, forgetting all his insecurities about his sexuality and about the fact that he had never kissed a man before. He just wanted Liam. Now.

He pushed Liam away, only to stand up, pulling him with him and then crashing their lips back together. Liam started to lead him backwards, obviously catching on about Zayn’s idea to take this to his bedroom. They had only made a few steps when Zayn’s back hit the wall and Liam pulled away from him, looking at him as though struggling with something. 

“You sure you wanna do this?” He asked Zayn breathlessly, pupils wide with lust and looking so hot that Zayn could only nod. Instead of giving a real answer, he took off his own shirt, let it fall to the ground and glanced at Liam with an almost challenging glint in his eyes. He grinned when Liam licked over his own lips, before kissing him again and then leading him backwards through the hallway into his bedroom. The back of his knees hit his bed, so he broke the kiss and looked at Liam a bit breathlessly before he slid onto the mattress, pulling the other boy with him. Zayn’s fingers fumbled with the hem of Liam’s sweatpants, pushing them slowly down and turning him onto his back so he was able to hover over him. Smiling slightly he started kissing Liam’s chest, travelled over his nipples with his tongue and hummed approvingly when Liam moaned softly under his touch. He wandered further downwards and when he finally reached his navel, he slid his fingers under the hem of Liam’s pants. Slowly, he sat up and pulled them down, eyes fixed on the erection that sprung free.

“Fuck, you’re big.”

Liam laughed a little. “And you are hot as hell.”

Grinning, Zayn pressed his lips against Liam’s, feeling a bit nervous about what he wanted to do next. He had never been intimate with another man and he had never touched another man’s dick. He let his hand travel downwards, finally touching the soft skin with his fingertips before wrapping his hand around it. Liam’s groan gave him enough courage to start stroking him and … fuck, he hadn’t expected that he’d like it that much. For a few seconds, Liam let him carry on, moaning and obviously enjoying what he did, but then he suddenly pushed Zayn on his back, opened his Jeans and pulled the trousers and his pants off in one go, so he was suddenly completely naked. Liam let his eyes travel over his body and somehow Zayn was turned on even more by that. 

Zayn stared at Liam, following him with his eyes when he bent down and licked over his length. He gasped and when Liam put his lips around him, his eyes fluttered shut and he moaned loudly. His head fell back while he automatically slid his fingers in Liam’s hair, pulling only a little bit to steady himself.  
The thing was, Zayn had received his fair share of blowjobs but never before had he experienced anything like what Liam did right now. The 20-year-old could tell that Liam knew what he did and even though he didn’t like the thought of him with other boys, he was more than happy to appreciate what it had done to his blowjob skills. 

“Shit, Liam!” He moaned, breath hitching when Liam twirled his tongue around his sensitive head. Liam hummed, taking him in even more and starting to massage his balls with his fingers, head going up and down.  
It only took Zayn a few minutes to get alarmingly close to his climax, so he gently pulled at Liam’s hair again, getting him off him and crashing their lips back together. He could taste himself on his lips and his tongue but it only turned him on more. Zayn’s fingers found their way back to Liam’s dick, stroking him urgently this time and feeling extremely pleased with himself because of the moans that escaped Liam’s mouth. They kissed heatedly and eventually, Liam started to stroke him as well, leading to both of them breathing heavily. Zayn felt his climax build up inside him and he nearly whimpered when the orgasms finally hit him. Liam followed a few seconds later, groaning and gasping. 

Zayn felt Liam’s eyes on him when he started to calm down again. 

“You are so gorgeous when you come!” 

He smiled at Liam’s words, kissing him softly this time before he let himself relax on his mattress. He wasn’t able to think about what had happened just now, but he was extremely happy and satisfied. Slowly, he pulled the sheets over them, rolled on his stomach and sighed contently while he felt Liam kissing his spine. The other boy rested his head on Zayn’s back, fingers wandering over his naked skin, giving him goosebumps once again.

“I don’t even know your last name”, Zayn stated quietly, eyes falling shut because of his tiredness. 

“It’s Payne. Liam Payne.”

“Mhmmm, Zayn Malik.” He heard Liam hum tiredly but before he could say anything else, he had fallen asleep.

#####

Zayn woke up with a start the next morning, completely lost for a few seconds. Then, he remembered what had happened … Liam, them getting off, the blowjob … and then he realized that Liam was gone. 

His bed felt empty and a little cold, so it must have been a while since Liam had left. He felt a wave of panic rush over him and a thousand thoughts started to twirl inside his head. What if Liam had known all along who he was and he just wanted to take advantage of him? What if he said anything to the press? What if … what if they hadn’t really connected and Liam just wanted to gain something from him?

He slowly stood up, put on a clean pair of boxers and walked into the living room. Zayn looked around in confusion, noticing that all the mess on the couch and the coffee table was gone and … there was a note on his kitchen counter. Hesitantly, he picked it up, staring at it for a few seconds, heart beating fast.

_”Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked with anybody else.”_

Zayn’s heart pounded in his chest while a smile appeared on his lips. Okay, no, Liam would never sell him to the media or take advantage of him or whatever his brain had made up only three minutes earlier. Liam was pure and lovely and genuine and … Zayn had lied to him. He knew that he had to tell him the truth. Soon. 

He looked at the number that was written under the quote, marked with a little _”Had to leave, sorry! Call me!”_ , so Zayn looked around for his phone and finally found it on the couch.  
Before he could type in the number, however, he saw a dozen missed calls from his manager, which made his heart sink. He called him back and nearly hoped he wouldn’t pick up. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Zayn.”

“Zayn. You are in trouble. Come to the office, now.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I use original characters for Zayn's and Liam's family, just because it fits better into my story, pls don't be mad :D
> 
> Have fun ♥

“What do you mean ‘You’re in trouble!’?” Zayn asked at once.

“Come here. As soon as possible.” With those words his manager hung up, leaving Zayn speechless and slightly frightened. With fumbling fingers he quickly checked all his social media accounts but there was no hint of any scandalous articles about him, so … so Liam hadn’t done anything of that sorts, had he?

Zayn forced himself to breathe deeply, before he remembered Liam’s note which he still held in his hand. He saved his number as a new contact and opened a new text conversation with him. He smiled softly while typing., because no - Liam wouldn’t do anything to harm him.

”8 planets, 1 universe, 205 countries,  
7 continents, 5 seas  
and I was lucky enough to meet you!”

He sent the text, locked his phone and then went to the bathroom to rush through his morning routine. Fifteen minutes later he sat in his Range Rover and called his best friend while he drove to his management’s office.

“Louis? It’s Zayn!”

“Hey Z, what’s up?”

“I - I, well I .. I think I did something.” Zayn stuttered, not even sure what he wanted to say but Louis had been his best friend ever since middle school, so … he trusted him with his life. 

“Oh boy, shoot, I’m listening.”

“I uhm … I kinda slept with someone. With … a … boy?” Zayn felt like his heart might stop beating. There was a long pause and Zayn nervously checked the display of his boardcomputer to make sure that the call was still connected. A few seconds went by but then Louis suddenly burst out laughing. 

“Louis!”

“I’m sorry, man, but … finally!”

“What do you mean, ‘finally’??”

“I mean … it was about time. You always had a thing for boys, you just didn’t realize it or whatever. So, yeah, finally.”

“You … always thought I might be into boys?”

“Well, yeah, but I thought you had to figure it out yourself, you know? I dropped a few hints here and there but you didn’t catch on, even though I hadn’t been very subtle… you know me.”

Yeah, Zayn knew Louis and subtlety really wasn’t his thing, so Zayn must have been quite dumb. Like really dumb. 

“Okay, well, I … there was this guy and I let him crash at my place and … we spent the night. Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“Yes, uhm, he … blew me and I … gave him a handjob. We made out and he slept in my bed and … this morning he was gone. But he left me a note with his number and a cute message.”

Again, there was silence, before Louis spoke again.

“How was it?”

“It was … incredible. Liam was … that’s his name. Liam. He’s really nice and he’s kind and funny and handsome and … he doesn’t know that I am a celebrity. He has no clue because I lied to him. And I’m screwed.”

“Okay, okay, but you can tell him? Tell him when you see him again.”

“Yeah, but what if he doesn’t like me once he knows? I don’t think he’s into all this celebrity stuff. And I’m on my way to my manager. He called me because I’m obviously in trouble and I guess it has something to do with my night with Liam. I’m fucked.”

“Breathe, Z. They can’t forbid you to be with Liam. Just … get it over with and then call Liam and explain everything.”

“Okay, I’ll try… I just arrived, so … I’ll call you. Thanks, Lou.”

“Anytime.”

He ended the call, took a deep breath and then got out of his car. Nervously he looked up at the high building, sighed and then made his way into the foyer. He knew this place by heart, so he walked directly to the office where Mr. Harrison would be waiting for him. He was okay, Mr. Harrison, but sometimes Zayn didn’t really know what he had to expect from him and today wasn’t any better. 

Zayn knocked and heard Mr. Harrison’s voice a second later, telling him to come in. He entered, looked at the stern look on the other man’s face and instantly wanted to leave again. 

“Hi,” Zayn said, slowly sitting down on the chair facing Mr. Harrison’s desk.

“Good morning, Zayn.” Mr. Harrison still had this serious look on his face, now folding his hands on the table. Zayn just sat there and waited for him to carry on.

“So, it came to our notice that you had a guest last night. A boy.” Mr. Harrison looked at him expectantly, so Zayn nodded.

“What did you do?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean: What did you do?”

“Well, he … needed a place to sleep because there was a problem in his apartment.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Did something happen?”

“I don’t think that’s any of your business!” Zayn looked away, slightly blushing.

“That’s all I needed to know. So, you know you can’t see him again and that we will contact Mr. Payne. He needs to sign a nondisclosure agreement.”

Zayn looked at him in surprise, not even getting everything he had said. 

“You … know his name?”

“Of course we know his name. It’s Liam Payne, who was born on August 29, he’s 22 years old and can barely afford the apartment he shares with Harry Styles and Niall Horan. It’s our job to know such things, Zayn.”

For a few seconds, Zayn just stared at him, because apart from the name he hadn’t known any of these things and he couldn’t believe his management would do something like that.

“So, as I said, we’ll contact him and you can’t see him again.”

“No! You can’t … please don’t contact him.”

“He needs to sign the NDA.”

“But I … he … why can’t I see him again?”

“It’s in your contract. You can’t be publicly involved with men. It won’t do good to your career. Your main target group is teenage girls who cry their eyes out over how attractive you are or whatever they see in you. They want to be with you, so you need to appear available, even if it’s only due to your sexual orientation. They won’t buy your music when they know you are gay.”

Zayn’s eyebrows shot upwards and he was frankly outraged, though he didn’t know what it was that upset him the most. The fact that he had kind of made fun of his fans, that he had labelled him as gay - honestly, he didn’t know what he was?! - or that his sexuality was a marketing strategy. All of a sudden he didn’t like Mr. Harrison at all. 

“Excuse me?”

“No, there’s no discussion.”

“I … can see him privately!”

“You could, but you honestly aren’t experienced enough to hide a possible relationship from the public eye. So no.”

Again, Zayn just stared at him, feeling so terrible he wanted to cry. 

“I do want to see him again and I don’t want you to contact him.”

Mr. Harrison seemed to think about his words but eventually sighed.

“Zayn, your first live performance is in a few weeks. If you don’t get rid of him and make him sign the NDA, we will cancel it.”

“But - ” Zayn gasped furiously.

“I’m serious!”

“You can’t do this!”

“Yes, I can.”

“But I … you can’t tell me who I can see in my private life.”

“I can if it influences your career. And - as I said - it’s in your contract that you can’t be publicly involved with men.”

“Yes, you don’t have to repeat yourself!”

“You have two weeks. End it and make him sign the NDA. You can go.”

Zayn had so much to say and at the same time he was completely lost for words. It was so unfair and infuriating, but … what if they really cancelled his performance? He needed it to get his music career going but … Liam. Liam. 

He slowly got to his feet and left the office without saying another word. 

###

When Zayn came home half an hour later, he felt absolutely miserable. He just couldn’t believe his manager would threaten him like this and yes, he had known about that clause in his contract but … but he hadn’t thought that it’d be so serious. Never had the thought that it might threaten his entire career. The thing was, Zayn wanted to see Liam again. He wanted to explore whatever he had started with him, he wanted to explore himself and he really, really liked Liam. It was so unfair that when he finally sunk down on his couch, he really started crying. 

He had cried for an hour when the tears slowly decided to fade away. His head felt heavy and darkened and he knew that his depression had kicked in again. Zayn knew himself well enough - sometimes a bad situation was all it took to trigger a depressive episode even though he had felt quite good the minute before. He felt like he saw the world through a dark veil or something and Zayn knew that it would take some time to get rid of it. 

Zayn curled up on the couch and pulled a blanket over himself, before he turned on the TV and started a show on Netflix he already knew by heart. 

Liam called and he ignored it. 

Liam called again, but Zayn didn’t move.

Two hours later, he received a text, but it was not from Liam.

_”I was serious when I told you I’d cancel your performance. End it.”_

For a few seconds, he just stared at the message and wondered whether Mr. Harrison knew that he hadn’t done it yet, but … no, there was no way. He just knew that Zayn didn’t _want_ to do it and obviously thought he needed to put even more pressure on him.

He didn’t answer the text and didn’t look at his phone for the rest of the day. 

And he didn’t sleep at night. His thoughts kept him awake. Thoughts about Liam and about his career, about what had driven him to become a celebrity … Zayn couldn’t find any sleep and when he had watched an entire season of his favourite show without really seeing it, he rolled on his back and groaned a little. Once again, there were tears in his eyes. 

Zayn grabbed his phone and ignored all the missed calls and messages, opened the conversation with Liam and started typing.

_”Can we meet?”_

He felt sick to the stomach and nearly hoped that Liam wouldn’t answer. Of course, he did answer.

_”Sure, we could grab a coffee later and meet in Hyde Park?”_

Zayn swallowed hard.

_”Okay, 3 pm at the playground?”_

_”I’ll be there! xx”_

Zayn closed his eyes in a vain attempt to hold back another wave of tears. His phone said it was already 1 pm, so he had to get up eventually, even though he didn’t feel like it in the slightest. He wanted to pull the blanket over his head and just let this whole situation pass by without having to be confronted with it. 

It was 2 pm when he finally got up, brushed his teeth and put on some clean clothes. He hadn’t eaten anything since the day before so he felt a little light-headed. In order to hide his hair - a lot of fans recognized him by his hair - he put on a hat, before he slid on his shoes and jacket. He really didn’t know what to tell Liam, but he had to tell him _something_.

Although Zayn normally tended to be quite unpunctual, he arrived at the playground in Hyde Park five minutes early. He sat on one of the benches and hoped Liam just wouldn’t show up. If he didn’t show up, Zayn wouldn’t have to tell him anything. He wouldn’t have to tell him the truth about him or his job and his contract. Of course, Liam did show up and Zayn tried to ignore how his heart jumped at the sight of him. Liam was gorgeous, a happy smile on his face that turned into a little frown when he came closer. 

“Hey! You look tired, are you alright?”

“Uh.. yeah, sure.”

Liam sat down next to him, handing him one of the two coffees he had brought with him. It was Sunday, so a lot of people were around but none of them paid them any attention.

“Thank you.” Zayn mumbled. 

“So …” Liam started, but Zayn interrupted him.

“I don’t think we should see each other again.” He burst out looking at his feet, because he didn’t dare to look into Liam’s face. 

“Wh - what?” 

Zayn could hear astonishment and hurt in Liam’s voice. He swallowed hard.

“I just … I don’t think it’s a good idea. There is something I have to tell you…”

“Not a good idea? Are you kidding me? What was your text then?”

Zayn was sure Liam was referring to the first text message he had sent him yesterday. The one about planets and the universe and how lucky he was that he had found him. Yeah.

“It was … I … I really have to tell you something.”

“You know what? I don’t wanna hear it. Fuck you.”

“Liam -” Tears filled his eyes again but Liam jumped to his feet so he surely couldn’t see them.

“No. Just stop. It’s okay if you just wanted to hook up, but you could have been honest, you know?”

“I’m ...I didn’t …” Zayn was lost for words even though he _knew_ that he had to tell him about his life and the NDA. He had to, otherwise his management would do it. “Listen …”

“No, forget it. Bye, Zayn.”

Zayn finally looked up and into Liam’s eyes. He could see the other man was hurt, but before he could say anything else, Liam turned around and hurried away. He knew he should go after him but … he just couldn’t. His body didn’t work, so he just sat there, watching Liam leave.

###

**Liam’s POV**

It had been four days since he’d met Zayn in the park. Four days and he just couldn’t wrap his head around what had happened. Liam had thought they had somehow connected … that there was something special between them even though he barely knew the black-haired boy. Yeah, he didn’t know much about him, but he had been so fascinated by him ever since Zayn had stumbled right into him at the restaurant. Liam had hoped so bad for Zayn to return to the restaurant and when he had finally appeared, the feeling had only intensified. He had watched him wiping the tables and swaying his hips, he had looked into those golden eyes that always took away his breath and … he had agreed to spend the night at Zayn’s flat. Liam really hadn’t planned to sleep with Zayn but somehow it had happened and when he had woke up the following morning, he had been intensely happy.

It had been a pity that he had had to leave him, but he just hadn’t been able to wake him when he had slept so peacefully. He had been lying in bed and watching him sleep for a few minutes before he had been able to leave because Zayn … he had looked so pretty and peaceful and just … perfect.

And then … there had been this weird meeting at the park. Really, what was that?

Liam had been so sure and when Zayn had told him they shouldn’t see each other again, he just couldn’t take it. He had been hurt and … now, he wondered whether there was more to the story. Zayn had looked so tired and miserable and he was sure there had been something wrong. Yeah, now he was sure, even though he hadn’t seen it a few days ago. 

So he tried to call him. His call was unanswered.

After his fifth call, it went straight to voicemail.

And Liam started to worry about him.

Of course it was possible that Zayn just chose to ignore his calls because he didn’t want to see him again - like he had told him - but … Liam had this weird feeling in his gut. The way Zayn had looked last time, the tears that had made his eyes appear even more golden … no, he was sure there was something wrong. 

On Friday, he decided to check on Zayn in person. 

After a twenty minute drive he parked his car in Zayn’s street, headed to the building and tried to ignore the man who sat at his desk like the last time.

A minute later, he knocked at Zayn’s door. There was no answer, so he knocked again, harder.

After five more times, the door finally opened and - he looked into Zayn’s eyes. But he … he didn’t really look like the Zayn he knew. He looked absolutely miserable. His hair was an unwashed mess, his clothes were dirty and wrinkled, but the worst was his face. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, his eyes were red and puffy and there were heavy dark bags under his eyes. He was pale and he just looked so broken that Liam’s heart instantly felt heavy with concern. 

“Wha -- Zayn, what’s …?”

“Whatchu doin’ here?” Zayn mumbled, obviously confused.

“I … wanted to check on you.” Liam cautiously stepped into the loft, where most of the curtains were drawn and the only light came from the television. He closed the door behind himself, never averting his eyes from Zayn.

And then, Zayn started to cry and it broke Liam’s heart.

Without thinking twice, he stepped closer and pulled the crying boy into his arms. He felt Zayn wrapping his arms around him and tightly gripping the back of his shirt while he pressed his face into Liam’s neck and started to sob uncontrollably. He had absolutely no idea what was wrong with Zayn, but if he could help him only a little bit by holding him, he would do it as long as it was needed.

“Zayn, what …?” He started to ask, but the other boy slightly shook his head.

“I’m sorry,” Zayn sobbed, gripping his shirt even tighter and literally shaking with tears.

“Shhh, it’s okay… it’s okay…”

Again, Zayn shook his head, but Liam just cautiously made him walk backwards until they reached the couch. He sank down on it, pulling Zayn with him, so he could lay on Liam’s torso. The other boy let all this happen without participating all too much, but when he rested his cheek on Liam’s chest, he sobbed even harder, holding onto his shirt with a firm grip. Liam wrapped his arms around Zayn, holding him tightly and stroking his back just a little bit, hoping it would help him calm down. 

Liam really wanted to ask him what was wrong but Zayn didn’t seem to be in a state where he could answer any questions, so he just stayed silent, stroking his back and making comforting “shh” - noises now and then. He felt Zayn shaking with tears and tension. Finally, after what like an hour or so, he seemed to calm down a little, his body started to relax and the sobbing slowly faded away. Again, Liam wanted to talk to Zayn, but a few minutes later, the other boy had fallen asleep, probably just too exhausted to stay awake.. 

###

When Zayn woke up, he felt kinda lost. And absolutely terrible. It took him a few seconds to realize that there was a warm body underneath him and that he was wrapped in a blanket. Confused, he furrowed his brows … until the memories came back. Liam.

Liam had come to check on him and he had looked so worried that Zayn just couldn’t help but sink into his arms and let all his emotions overcome him. He had cried so hard and long that he must have fallen asleep and even though he felt like absolute crap he smiled a little bit. Because of Liam who was still stroking him. 

Zayn slowly sat up, groaning a little because his head, his eyes and his throat hurt.

“Hey…” Liam said softly, still touching him with his fingers even though he could no longer reach his back.

“Hi…” Zayn’s voice was raspy and quiet and he barely managed to look into Liam’s kind and still worried-looking eyes.

“Feeling better?”

“Uhm… sure.”

“So, you’re not.” Liam seemed to look straight through his lie, so Zayn just shook his head.

He tried to stand up, not even knowing what he wanted to do exactly, but when he got on his feet, he felt so dizzy he nearly fell over. Liam reached out to steady him.

“Zayn … when did you last eat or drink something?”

“Uhm … I think I drank some water this morning … I … can’t remember when I last ate something…” He sat back down on the couch, leaning back and closing his eyes. He was so tired and exhausted but just thinking about eating made his stomach twist.

“Zayn …” Liam said, obviously even more worried because of Zayn’s non-existing eating behaviour. “You lay down and I get you something to eat.”

Zayn wanted to protest but Liam went straight into his kitchen, opened the fridge and busied himself with whatever he found in there. He didn’t even know if there was more than Coke and old bread, but he honestly didn’t care much, so he just did as he was told and curled up in his warm blanket. 

He just stared at the wall until Liam came back, a cup of tea and a plate with two pieces of toast in his hands. Zayn slowly sat up again and smiled a little at the other man. 

“Thank you..”

Liam returned his smile, put the cup and the plate on the coffee table and looked at him in concern.

“Zayn … what’s wrong? You … you can talk to me if you want? I’m right here.”

Zayn looked at him and once again, tears filled his eyes. He had pushed Liam away and yet, he was here to take care of him. He wasn’t used to someone taking care of him or even being concerned about him and … the way Liam looked at him was just … a bit overwhelming. 

“I have depression,” he slowly started. “I’ve had it for a few years already and it … comes and goes. Sometimes it’s triggered because I’m under a lot of pressure or something bad happens, sometimes it just starts without any real reason. I … don’t really have any control over it..”

He looked at Liam, who had watched him silently while he had talked, but now, he slowly nodded. Zayn’s eyes widened when Liam put his hand on his cheek, softly stroking his unshaved skin with his thumb.

“Okay. I can stay if you want? Would it help you?”

For a moment, Zayn didn’t respond. Would it help him? Yes, it probably would. He was sure of it but he also thought about Mr. Harrison’s words. He knew he should tell Liam to go and not come back but … he couldn’t. Right now, he needed him and he didn’t want to go through the next days alone.

“Yes. Please.” He finally whispered, slightly leaning against Liam’s hand.

Liam smiled softly, withdrawing his hand and taking the plate with the toast.

“You should eat something.”

Although Zayn didn’t really feel like eating, he took a piece of toast and started nibbling on it. 

“Don’t you have a lecture or something?”

“It’s Friday afternoon, lectures are over ‘till Monday.”

“Oh … right.” Zayn hadn’t realized it was Friday already. “And no shift at the restaurant?”

“No, I’m free over the weekend.”

“Okay.” He took a small sip of his tea, but when he finished the first piece of toast, he sighed, leaned back and rubbed his eyes. He was so tired but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He never could.

“Come on, let’s lay down and watch a movie.” Liam smiled at him, laid down and spread his arms as an invitation for Zayn to cuddle into him. And that’s exactly what he did. He placed his head on Liam’s chest and put one of his knees over his leg while Liam pulled the blanket up and wrapped his arms around him. For a few minutes they just silently watched The Big Bang Theory on Netflix. 

“Liam? Please tell me something about you. Anything..” Zayn’s voice was quiet and still a bit raspy while he murmured into Liam’s shirt.

“Mhhh okay. Let’s see … my favourite color is red, I’m 22 years old, my sister’s name is Emily and my mom’s is Charlotte…”

“What about your dad?”

“He died a few years ago.”

“Oh … I’m really sorry! What happened?”

“He was a fireworker and died at work. There was this huge fire in a building and when he went in to save someone, he didn’t get out in time.” 

Liam’s voice was soft and a little sad and for a moment there was silence between them. Zayn let out the air he hadn’t realized he had held and pressed himself a little closer to Liam’s warm body.

“I’m sorry, really.” He looked up into Liam’s eyes, but the other boy shook his head.

“No, it’s okay. I mean … it’s hard sometimes and I miss him a lot, but he died saving someone, so … it wasn’t in vain.”

Zayn tensed a little. “Mhmmm.” He paused for a second. “How was he?”

“He was great. Patient, kind, loving … strict when necessary.” Zayn could hear the smile in Liam’s voice even though he couldn’t see it as his head rested on his chest again. “We often played football together and he taught me how to draw.”

“You can draw?” Zayn was curious.

“Yeah, a bit, I guess.”

“Will you show me something you drew?”

“Sure, next time, yeah?” Zayn slightly nodded, feeling a bit heavy because he didn’t know if there even was a next time. 

“Tell me about your mom,” he asked him so he wouldn’t have to think too much.

“She’s a florist and the best person I know. Always positive, kind and so strong … sometimes I wonder how she handles everything.” Again, there was a smile on his face, Zayn could hear it.

“And that’s why you work so much? So she doesn’t have to take care of you?”

“Yes. She worries enough without having to pay for my rent or anything.”

“Mhm, I get it. You are really great yourself, you know that?” 

Liam laughed a little, pulling him a bit closer and placing a kiss on top of his head. They fell silent again and slowly, Zayn closed his eyes, feeling so safe in Liam’s arms and listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat underneath him. He blinked a little, but after a few seconds, he fell asleep again.

###

It was completely dark when Zayn came to his senses again. He stirred a little and then felt a warm hand on his side. A moment later there was Liam’s warm breath on his neck as he whispered in his ear.

“Hey baby…”

Zayn hummed quietly, feeling Liam’s warm body pressed against his back.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“How are you feeling? Any better?”

“Mhh, a little, yeah..”

“That’s good..”

Liam softly stroked his side and they stayed silent for another five minutes before Zayn finally sat up and turned around. 

“How long did I sleep?”

“A few hours.”

“Oh… wow.” He rubbed over his eyes and stretched his arms a little, before he slowly stood up. Zayn smiled a bit at Liam through the dark and then went over into his bathroom. He used the toilet and washed his hands, but as he stood there at the sink, he looked into the mirror. He really looked terrible. Tired, unshaved, pale skin, ruffled hair … he sighed. He looked miserable but he felt a little better. Liam was here for him and his presence helped a little as did the sleep, so yeah, he felt a bit better. 

Zayn came back into his living room, where Liam had lit up one of the lamps, so it wasn’t completely dark anymore. 

“I look like crap,” he stated with a small smile. 

“Mhh, yeah, you do.” They both laughed a little and Zayn sat down next to Liam again, where he grabbed the piece of toast from a few hours before. Slowly, he took a bite and chewed. 

“Thank you, Liam. For being here.”

“Of course, Zayn.”

“But after what I said the other day…”

“Yeah, well … we can talk about that later.”

Zayn nodded and averted his eyes for a second.

“Do you … often suffer from depression? How long have you been going through that? You said it’s been years...”

“Uhm … it depends. I think it started when I was thirteen or so. Sometimes I can go weeks or even months without too much trouble, depending on what’s going on in my life and … I don’t know whatever else makes my brain decide to do that. I sometimes have panic or anxiety attacks, but it uhm sounds worse than it is.” Again he looked away, feeling a bit ashamed of himself even though he knew he shouldn’t.

“Is there something that helps you?”

“Mhhh, normally I just wait for it to get better. Most of the time I can work and … you know, function. But honestly, you being here with me helps. Being held helps.” Zayn smiled a little. 

“Okay, then I’ll stay until you are better.”

“No, you don’t have to. Really, you shouldn’t. You have a life of your own.”

“Yes and I intend to spend the next few days of my life with you. So deal with it.”

Zayn looked at him, smiled and then averted his eyes again, feeling a bit flustered.

“Do you want to go to bed? You look tired.”

Liam laughed quietly. “ _I_ look tired?”

“Yes, well. Perhaps we both could need a few more hours of sleep.”

Liam stood up, held out his hand and then pulled Zayn with him. Together they walked over into his bedroom, where Liam took off his jeans and sweater, so he only wore his boxers and a thin shirt, while Zayn kept on his sweatpants. They got into bed and instantly, Zayn cuddled into Liam’s outstretched arms, finding the perfect spot in the crook of Liam’s neck. 

Again, Zayn felt safe with Liam, but he also thought about everything he still had to tell him. About how Liam might hate him once he told him who he was and that he was supposed to sign the NDA. That they could not be together. That he had lied to him again and again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll get to know more about Zayn here!

A few days later, Zayn felt a lot better. Liam had stayed with him for another two or three days, but actually Zayn had slept a lot of the time. It was always the same with his episodes: There was a time where he got gradually worse and where he couldn’t sleep and then, when he slowly recovered, he slept a lot more than usual. Zayn didn’t know if that was common or if everybody dealt with depressive episodes differently, but over the years he had discovered that it was mostly the same with him. Most of the time he was able to live quite normally and rarely anybody noticed that he was quieter, sadder and more tired. But sometimes there were episodes like this one where he just couldn’t get himself to function. 

It really had helped him that Liam had been there with him. Not that Liam could actually do something, but just being held and feeling this sense of safety had made it a bit easier for Zayn to deal with everything. 

When he hadn’t been asleep, he and Liam had talked. About nothing important, just casual stuff like food or television but it had been nice. Liam was really easy to talk to and they shared a lot of favourites. They had cuddled a lot, kissed a bit and sometimes Zayn had withdrawn to another room to have an hour to himself. Not because of Liam himself but there were times where he just couldn’t stand being around other people. Zayn couldn’t believe how understanding and kind Liam had been.

Eventually, he had sent him home because he could tell that Liam needed it. 

Today, a few days later, Zayn wanted to go to Liam’s place. He had agreed to it because Liam had said that his flatmates would be gone for a few days and he really, really planned on telling him the truth tonight. Liam deserved to know the truth, he knew that.

Zayn felt a lot more rested today and even though he was a bit anxious about the conversation they would have tonight, he felt better. He had talked to Mr. Harrison again so that he knew that Zayn was planning on telling Liam everything and also asking him about the NDA and for now, that was okay for his manager. Yes, Zayn wanted to talk to Liam, explain everything, ask him to sign the contract and then … he really hoped Liam would agree on being his friend for now, at least officially. Despite Mr. Harrison’s threat, Zayn didn’t plan on breaking with Liam completely. He intended to keep in touch, to befriend him officially and be with him secretly, so that his management and people in general could get used to him being at his side. And then … well, Zayn hoped they could be officially together some day - well, all depending on Liam agreeing and them working out. And depending on his management letting him come out. 

Zayn arrived at Liam’s place just in time, hurrying over to the front door of the building and ringing the bell of the Payne/Horan/Styles apartment. The door buzzed, so he pushed it open, stepped in and then climbed the stairs to the second floor. 

“Hey,” he heard Liam greet him at the door to his apartment, where he was waiting for Zayn. Zayn smiled at him, once again noticing how good-looking the other boy was. Liam wore a black shirt and blue jeans and his hair was styled into a quiff. 

“Hi,” Zayn responds, entering the apartment after Liam stepped aside to let him in. He stepped out of his shoes and took off his jacket.

“I’ll give you a tour.” Liam smiled at him, so Zayn nodded and then followed the older man around. The apartment was quite normal - a bedroom for Liam and each of his flatmates, an open kitchen, a living room and a bathroom. It was all quite cosy and Zayn felt comfortable right away. They got to Liam’s bedroom last and Zayn looked in curiously. It wasn’t too spacious, but with the bed, the desk and the closet it was more than enough. There were little details that made it as comfortable as the rest of the place. 

“Nice, I like it.”

“Well, it’s nothing compared to your place, but …”

“No, it’s perfect, really. It’s warm and cosy, I like that.” Zayn smiled at him and Liam seemed to be extremely satisfied. 

He led him back into the kitchen where Liam had obviously started to cook as there were cut vegetables that seemed to be waiting to be put into the pan. 

“Take a seat if you want, dinner should be ready in around fifteen minutes.” Liam smiled at him, so Zayn leaned against the kitchen counter.

“I didn’t know you wanted to cook something for tonight.”

“Yeah, well. I like cooking so I figured I’d do something today.”

“Cool.” Zayn smiled at him.

“Don’t you cook?”

Liam looked at him curiously when Zayn let out a little laugh.

“Uhm, no. I stay away from kitchens if I can. I nearly burnt down my parents’ house a few years ago while I tried to cook, so … actually it’s quite dangerous that I stand next to you right now. Your kitchen might catch fire any second just by my presence.”

Liam laughed heartily before he shook his head. “You are kidding, right?”

“I wish I was.”

They both grinned while Liam busied himself with his cooking.

“Do you want to drink something, fire demon?” Zayn laughed at the nickname and nodded. 

“Just water, please?” Liam gave him a glass of water and then looked at him softly.

“How are you, Zayn?” He asked him seriously.

“Mh, better, thank you.” He really did feel better and partly it was because of Liam. “What about you?”

“I’m fine. Even more now.”

They smiled at each other and Zayn felt a warm fluttering feeling in his gut. 

A few minutes later, the meal was ready, so they took their plates and sat down on the comfy couch. Zayn took a bite and hummed happily. 

“That’s really good. Did you learn that from you mom?”

“Thanks. M-hm, I often helped her when I was younger and I guess I just automatically learned some stuff then.”

“It was worth it.” Zayn smiled at Liam while he was eating and for a few minutes, they just talked lightly while enjoying the delicious food. 

Liam told him to stay on the couch, but Zayn stood up anyway, carried his empty plate into the kitchen and just wanted to offer his help with washing the dishes, when Liam stepped closer and kissed him. 

At once, Zayn wrapped his arms around the other boy’s neck and kissed him back, pressing his body into Liam’s. He felt Liam’s tongue on his bottom lip, asking for entrance, so he willingly opened his lips to deepen their kiss. 

“I missed you..” Liam murmured and Zayn hummed in agreement.

“I missed you, too.” He couldn’t really concentrate on his words as his body reacted immensely to Liam’s touch. Zayn moaned softly when their tongues touched and for the fraction of a second he thought about everything he needed to tell him. He really wanted to tell him today … he _needed_ to tell him today, but … not now. He just couldn’t ruin this moment when he was so desperate for Liam’s kisses and his touch. 

Liam slowly walked backwards, leading him into his bedroom, where Zayn closed the door behind him before he was gently pushed against it by Liam. He laid his hands on the hem of Liam’s shirt, slowly pushed it upwards and then pulled it over Liam’s head. His eyes fell on the hard abs in front of him. 

“Fuck, I somehow forgot how hot you are.” He grinned a bit, but Liam snorted, obviously amused. 

A second later, they crashed their lips together again, kissing frantically. Liam took off Zayn’s shirt, and Zayn fumbled with the button of Liam’s trousers, opened it and got down on his knees, pulling Liam’s pants and boxers down with the same movement. 

He heard Liam’s breathing quicken a bit but mostly concentrated on his hardening length right before his eyes. Zayn slowly put his hand around him, gently stroking him and gathering all his courage for what he wanted to do next. He wanted to know what it felt like, so he slowly wetted his lips, looked up right into Liam’s eyes and then licked over the underside of Liam’s erection. He saw and heard him gasp, giving him immense satisfaction and enough courage to put his lips around his head. For a moment, it felt a bit weird but then he closed his eyes and concentrated on pleasuring the man in front of him. He started to gently suck his head while he moved his fingers over his length and then tried to get more of him into his mouth. After a few seconds he really started to like it, especially since Liam was moaning because of his actions, but he also liked the feeling of his heavy erection on his tongue and the taste of his precum. He‘d never thought he might enjoy something like this but here he was, sucking Liam‘s dick and getting hard from it.

He felt Liam‘s hand slide into his hair and again, he felt lust rush through his body and right into his groin, making him moan against Liam‘s erection. Obviously this did something to the other man. Zayn heard Liam groan and then felt the grip in his hair tighten before Liam pulled him upwards. A bit surprised Zayn followed the lead, coming to his feet and wondering if he had done something wrong, but a second later Liam crashed their lips together. Zayn responded immediately and let Liam walk him over to his bed. They fell onto the soft mattress and when Liam leaned over him, he heard him whisper into his ear.

“You‘re so damn hot!“

“I want you to fuck me!“ Zayn said without even thinking twice. Because yes, he had thought about it before and yes, he was scared shitless because he had never done that before but yes, he wanted it. He wanted Liam and he wanted him to fuck him.

Liam looked at him in mild surprise but then smiled and nodded. „Fuck, yes!“

Hastily, he removed Zayn’s jeans and his shorts, so a few seconds later he was completely naked, getting harder every moment. They were both grinning widely and Zayn was frankly exhilarated. He watched Liam as he leaned over to his bedside table, rummaging in his drawers and then pulling a bottle of lube and condoms out of it. Zayn bit his lip, now getting nervous again. 

“Liam, I … have never done this before,” he admitted a bit shyly and self-consciously.

“You never slept with a man?” Liam looked at him curiously and Zayn shook his head.

“Okay, but … you sure you wanna do that now?”

“Yes, I am. Please..”

“Okay, I’ll be gentle, I promise.”

Zayn smiled and nodded. He felt so safe and taken care of that all his angst vanished. He concentrated on Liam, who looked at him admiringly. Zayn felt himself flush a little but the way Liam’s gaze wandered over his naked body turned him on so much, he even felt his erection twitch. 

Liam put lube on his fingers, before he spread Zayn’s legs a bit and kissed his way over his chest and slowly downwards. Zayn moaned softly and when Liam touched him underneath his balls and started to circle his hole, he gasped a little. 

“Relax, yeah? I’ll be careful.”

“Okay.” His voice was quiet and he tried to relax just as Liam had told him. He slowly closed his eyes, took a deep breath and then he felt one of Liam’s fingers enter him. He really _was_ careful, Zayn could tell even without any experience. It was a weird feeling, having a finger in his ass, but after the first two or three seconds he concentrated on how good it actually felt. He liked it and he moaned again when Liam started to move his finger. At first, the movement was slow and cautious, but then he started to get in deeper and circle his finger. Suddenly, he crooked it upwards and it felt like a firework went through his whole body. He gasped loudly, opening his eyes and staring at Liam, who smiled with satisfaction.

“What the fuck was that?”

“That was your prostate, baby.”

“Do that again!”

He heard Liam laugh softly before he once again moved his finger, brushing it against his prostate and sending this immense spark through his body. Again, he moaned loudly and when Liam added a second finger, Zayn just spread his legs wider to grant him better access. He didn’t think about anything at all but just enjoyed what Liam was doing to him. Again, the other man scissored his fingers, spreading him open and rubbing at his prostate from time to time, making Zayn fall apart under his touch. After another two minutes or so, Liam added another finger, before he finally pulled back. Zayn was already panting, looking at Liam expectantly but again feeling a bit nervous about what was coming. Liam was big and even though he had spread him open quite good, he didn’t know if he was ready for that. 

However, that didn’t stop him from urging Liam to hurry, while the other boy put on a condom and lube. Finally, Liam leaned over him, connecting their lips and kissing him gently which made his heart flutter again. Liam pushed his legs up a bit and then, Zayn felt the head of his dick brush against his hole. He moaned in anticipation, but when Liam slowly pushed forward, he felt himself tense up a little.

“Relax,” Liam whispered again, making Zayn smile. 

“I’ll try..” His own voice was quiet as well as if the intense atmosphere between them would break if he spoke too loudly. 

Zayn breathed out heavily, willing himself to relax before Liam gently pushed inwards again. He only stopped when he was completely inside, giving them both time to adjust. 

“Fuck,” Zayn gasped but when Liam kissed him again, he felt the tension leave his body once more. His hands travelled over Liam’s back and down to his ass, applying only a little bit of pressure to signal him to move. 

And Liam did move and fuck, it was so good. Weird at first but then so,so good. Zayn moved one of his hands down to his own dick that had softened up a little but came back to full hardness when he started to stroke it. With every gentle move of Liam he moaned softly, before he grabbed his ass a little tighter, urging him to move a bit faster. Liam quietly groaned, took both of Zayn’s hands and pulled them upwards over his head, entangling his fingers with Zayn’s and kissing him more urgently now. He pushed in faster and harder now, making Zayn moan loudly against Liam’s lips. Zayn pulled his legs up a bit more, gasping when Liam hit his prostate and thus making him see stars. Shit. 

“Harder,” Zayn moaned, gripping Liam’s fingers more tightly. He felt Liam smile against his lips before he did as he was asked and fucked him harder. 

“Ah yes!”

“Mhh, you take me so good, baby. Can’t believe it’s your first time…” Zayn moaned again at these words, feeling himself getting closer to his climax even though he hadn’t really been touched. 

Again and again, Liam hit his prostate, still holding his arms over his head and kissing him from time to time and then - he came. Hard. 

“Liam!” Zayn gasped loudly while coming, shooting his load over his stomach and chest, smearing Liam’s torso as well as they were so tightly pressed together. Liam followed him a few seconds later, groaning lustfully and pushing into him one last time to carry himself through his orgasm. 

“Oh fuck!” Liam moaned, stilling and resting his forehead on Zayn’s shoulder. They both breathed heavily, a thin layer of sweat on their skins.

“I didn’t think it’d be that good.” Zayn admitted, still out of breath.

“It was brilliant. And you came mostly untouched.” Liam smiled at him softly.

“Isn’t that supposed to happen?” Zayn felt a bit silly because he didn’t know this, but apart from the technical part he hadn’t put too much research into it. 

“A lot of guys just can’t come without the stimulation on their dicks, but it’s great that you obviously can.” 

Zayn felt himself blush a little.

“Well, yeah, it just was so intense. I think you fucked me quite good.” He grinned at his own words, making Liam laugh a little. 

“Glad to be of service.”

Carefully, Liam pulled out, making Zayn groan a little, before he relaxed again and sank deeper into the soft mattress. Liam stood up and left the room, coming back a minute later with a wet towel that he handed him. Zayn wiped the come off his chest and stomach and then handed it back to Liam, who just threw it to the ground. He laid back down and Zayn immediately cuddled into him. Liam wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer. 

“Tell me something about yourself, please.” Liam quietly said after a moment of silence, making Zayn realize that they had hardly talked about him since they’ve met. They had talked about his depression a bit but Liam knew so little about him… not that Zayn minded. 

“Uhm, what do you want to know?” He asked cautiously, caressing Liam’s side with his fingertips. 

“I don’t know. Anything. What about your family?”

Zayn immediately tensed up a little, but he wasn’t sure if Liam noticed. 

“Mhh, well, I told you about my brother, Samee. He’s really great. A real dickhead, but I love him to pieces.” He smiled, rubbing his cheek a little on Liam’s chest. “He’s seventeen and much too smart and self-confident for my liking.” It was probably quite obvious that he didn’t really mean what he said. Liam laughed a little and placed a little kiss on the top of his head.

“What about your dad?”

Zayn had hoped that Liam would let it go when he told him about his brother, but he had been wrong. For a second or two, he stayed silent, before he answered him.

“Uhm, yeah, my dad is a mechanic.”

“Okay..” Liam seemed to sense that Zayn didn’t really want to talk about his father.

“And your mom? You said she passed away…?”

Zayn sighed a little before he nodded.

“Yeah, she died when I was ten.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“She … well, we were out shopping, she and I. I had been a bit difficult that day, I can’t remember why…” He paused for a second, forcing himself to continue. “We were on our way to the shopping centre, but then there was this car. The driver must have lost control over it and … they came directly my way - I had been hanging back because I was mad at her for telling me off. She … she pushed me out of the way and got hit by that car. She died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital..”

For a seconds there was silence which allowed Zayn to linger in these memories. It had been so bad. He remembered how he had screamed and shouted and how he had cried when his mother had died. He had been with her in the ambulance because he had been a child and couldn’t be left alone in the middle of the street.

“I’m so sorry, Zayn. It must have been terrible..” Liam pulled him closer and started to stroke his back a little.

“My dad says it was my fault..” Zayn said all of a sudden. 

Liam gently broke away, sitting up a little and looking at him. Zayn followed his lead and leaned against the headboard with his shoulder. 

“What? Why should it be your fault?” Liam asked him seriously.

“I … because I … if I hadn’t been so difficult, my mum wouldn’t have told me off and I … the car wouldn’t have come my way… and she pushed me away to save me. So … if I hadn’t been there, my mum wouldn’t be … she’d be still alive.” His voice was tight and he was looking down on a loose thread on the pillow so he wouldn’t have to look into Liam’s eyes. So Liam wouldn’t see that he was fighting back his tears. 

“But that’s … that’s not right, Zayn. You were a child and you couldn’t have known what would happen. It was you mum’s decision and none of that was your fault.”

Zayn looked up, thinking about Liam’s words. There had been a time when he had been completely sure that his father was right, but now … he actually wasn’t sure. Sometimes he thought what Liam just had said, but when he was in a bad place mentally he was convinced his mother had died because of him. Not for him, but because of him. That it was his fault alone.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” he murmured, without really meaning it and looking away again. There was a moment of silence before Liam spoke again.

“I am right, baby..”

“Mhh, yeah, maybe..” Zayn was still not convinced, but Liam’s next words distracted him.

“So, how is it with your dad now?”

“It’s … I don’t know, difficult? I haven’t seen him or spoken to him for two years.”

“Two years?” Liam seemed to be quite astonished. 

“Yeah, that’s when I left home. I just couldn’t stay there any longer..”

Again, there was silence.

“Did he … hurt you?”

Zayn looked at him again, his expression turning harder. He laughed quietly and without any amusement. 

“Uhm. Yeah, sometimes he did. I broke my wrist once because he had pushed me so hard, but sometimes he just beat the shit out of me. Depended on how he was feeling.”

“Zayn, that’s awful!” Liam said appalled, but Zayn merely shrugged.

“I got used to it.”

“I don’t think anyone can get used to something like this.”

“Well, I … don’t know, okay?”

“Didn’t anybody help you?”

“Hardly anybody knew. Well.. except for my little brother of course and my best friend. I sometimes lived at Louis’ place when my dad threw me out again and wouldn’t let me back into the house.”

“He threw you out?”

“Yeah… I was eleven when he did it the first time. I didn’t even have my shoes on.” Again, he laughed but again, there was no amusement in his voice. He saw that Liam closed his eyes for a moment.

“And then you were at your friend’s house? Louis’?”

“Yeah, I stayed there a few days until my dad let me come back home.”

“And your younger brother?”

“He never touched him. He wasn’t too loving or caring, but he never touched him. I have taken care of Samee since I was ten because my dad didn’t really bother with feeding us or anything. He … well, he didn’t really get over my mum’s death and kind of lost his will to live or something.” For a second, it sounded like he was making excuses for him, even to himself. “I honestly sometimes wonder how my brother survived my cooking. That was when I nearly burned down our kitchen, by the way.” He tried to act as if it wasn’t as serious as it really was but it was his only way of coping with it. That or not talking about it at all. He himself prefered the second option and that's why nobody except for Louis knew about this. Well, and now Liam. And once, he had told one of his teachers but that was a completely different story.

“I’m so sorry, Zayn.” Liam reached out again, wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, allowing Zayn to rest his head on Liam’s shoulder. He had been able to control his emotions for so long, but now he felt tears burning in his eyes and running down his cheeks. It was hard to talk about his past and normally he only talked to Louis and sometimes Samee about what had happened. Sometimes, he wondered what his father thought about him now but he wasn’t ready to face him again. Not yet. 

He had told Liam so much about him now, much more than he should because all this stuff about his father wasn’t common knowledge. His management made sure that this part of his story was kept secret but here Zayn was, telling Liam about it. Instead, he should have told him about his life in public, about his job, about him being a celebrity, but … he couldn’t right now. He knew it was wrong but he just couldn’t add one more secret even though he partly thought that Liam wouldn’t hate him for it. Or well, perhaps he would, at the latest when he knew that he was supposed to sign a contract to remain a dirty secret. No, he couldn’t tell him right now. 

Instead he cuddled into Liam and let him hold him tightly, ignoring the fact that he was being unfair to Liam to selfish by keeping him in the dark.

After a little while and when he felt like he had gained back his control, he pulled back to smile at Liam. 

“Thanks for listening.”

Liam returned his smile and nodded. “Of course. Any time, really.” 

They leaned in at the same time, connecting their lips for a soft kiss before they laid down again. Zayn rested his head on Liam’s chest once more, sighing tiredly when the other man pulled the blanket up to his shoulders. 

Again, Liam gave him this weird feeling of safety and a few minutes later he slowly fell asleep in his arms.

###

Zayn woke up to his ringing phone, being a bit disorientated for a few seconds before he realized what’s going on. He leaned over Liam who had woke up too and fumbled for his phone in his abandoned jeans pocket. He answered the call, voice still a bit sleepy. 

“Yes? What? Oh … shit, yes, I’m coming. I’m sorry, I overslept.” He ended the call and laid back for a second, groaning.

“What’s up?” Liam asked him sleepily.

“I have to go. I have an appointment and I forgot to set an alarm. I’m running late.”

“Oh, shit. Okay, then..”

Zayn had already jumped out of bed, tensing up a bit because his body reminded him of what had happened yesterday. 

“Wow, I think I’m a bit sore.” He grinned at Liam, who looked at him with some kind of amused concern.

“Not too bad I hope?”

“Nah, it’s okay. It was worth it.” Again, he grinned, now putting on his pants and his trousers. “Can we see each other tonight? I have to tell you something.”

“Oh, I can’t tonight, but what about tomorrow?”

“Yes, okay. Tomorrow then.”

They smiled at each other and when Zayn had put on his pullover, he bent over to Liam and kissed him softly, ignoring their slight morning breath.

“I’m sorry I have to leave all of a sudden. But see you tomorrow, right?”

“Yes, no problem. See you then!”

They shared one last kiss, before Zayn broke away, hastily grabbed his phone from the bed and then hurried out of Liam’s bedroom. A minute later he had put on his shoes and jacket and was out of his apartment, running to his car. 

#####

**Liam’s POV**

Of course, Liam would have loved to spend the morning with Zayn, but he understood that he had to go if he had an appointment. During the day, he often thought about the other boy. About how he had kneeled down and sucked him so good while looking into his eyes … fuck, that had been so hot and his eyes - Liam was totally mesmerized by Zayn’s beautiful eyes. The golden colour and the long lashes, the soft glint in them. And then they had slept together and it had been Zayn’s first time with a guy. Liam had had a few boyfriends before but Zayn was … he didn’t even know how to explain it, but it felt somehow special.

The sex had been so good, but what was stuck in his mind was the conversation they had had afterwards. Zayn had told him about his parents. About how his mother had died and his father blamed him for it. He felt sick to his stomach when he imagined a grown man beating up a little Zayn, throwing him out of the house and not letting him back in. It must have been terrible and Liam wondered if these things had led to Zayn’s depression. It wouldn’t be surprising and to be honest he wondered how Zayn had gone through all of it.

He was still a bit lost in his thoughts when he finally drove to his mother’s house where he met with his little sister Emily. Liam had finally given in to her begging to go to the movies together, even though he didn’t even know why his little sister insisted to watch this movie with him. He was sure that she had told him about it before because she had seen it at least three times with her friends but today, she wanted to watch it with him. 

It was the kind of movie Liam didn’t really like too much because the ending was so predictable. Emily had told him that it was based on a book and that she - and many others, obviously - had waited for soooo long for its release. She had told him about the actors and especially about the male leading role she absolutely adored. Most of the time, Liam hadn’t really listened to her but today, he was supposed to pay attention when they watched the movie. 

They drove to the cinema, Liam bought the tickets and they got popcorn and coke before they found their seats. Emily was totally excited next to him, even though she had seen the movie so often already, but somehow, he now thought it was quite cute.  
The movie started, Liam leaned back and … stared at the big screen in front of him. There was this boy … black hair, golden eyes and so gorgeous. Liam felt his heart stutter, not sure what he was seeing.

“Uhm, what was his name, you said?”

“Oh my god, Liam! I’ve told you like a thousand times! That’s Zayn Malik!”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very short one here, hope you like it :D the next ones will be longer again, I promise!

**Liam’s POV**

Liam felt numb. Cold and numb. Zayn had told him that he was an actor but he had said he was just trying. That didn’t look like _trying_. Not at all.  
The movie carried on but Liam was barely capable of concentrating on the story. Instead, his eyes were fixed on Zayn. He looked so much like the boy he knew but somehow he looked entirely different at the same time. Liam could tell that he was a good actor but … he knew that already, didn’t he? He had lied to him after all and Liam had believed every word. All of a sudden the luxurious loft was making much more sense and for a second he wondered why he hadn’t questioned this before. But well, it wasn’t his place to ask Zayn about his financial situation, was it?  
After an hour or so, Zayn even had a sex scene with this girl, Liam couldn’t even tell what her name was. His tattoos were covered up, but Liam knew this body. He knew what he sounded like when he moaned even without hearing it right now. He felt sick and he wanted to leave but he didn’t want to tell Emily about what was going on.  
Finally, the movie was over and Liam couldn’t tell what it had been about but that didn’t really matter because Emily was talking the whole time back to their mother’s house. Liam just answered with occasional “hmmh”’s here and there and only really spoke for the first time when they entered the living room.

“So, tell me about this Zayn guy.”

“Oh, now you are interested? He’s so gorgeous, isn’t he? But don’t even get your hopes up, he has a girlfriend.”

Again, Liam felt the blood leave his face. 

“Oh … he has?”

“Yes! He’s with the girl in the movie. Perry. They met on set, obviously, and have been in a relationship since then.”

Now, Liam really felt sick. Like … he felt the urge to vomit. 

“I’ve read in this magazine … wait, I have it here somewhere …” Emily rummaged in a pile of magazines, finally pulling out one and handing it over to Liam, obviously quite delighted that her brother finally showed interest in her favourite actor. Liam took the magazine that had Zayn on its cover and looked at what Emily was pointing. “Here, they say they’ve been on and off and that Zayn had other girls in the meantime. But as far as I know they are together right now. They were on a red carpet together like two weeks ago and they were so in love!”

Two weeks ago … Liam looked at one of the photos in the magazine that showed Zayn and his very female co-actress on the red carpet. He had an arm wrapped around her, smiling brightly. But two weeks ago … they had known each other already back then. Zayn was in a relationship. With a girl. And … he had lied to Liam about his job and … everything? That’s how it felt at least. Was anything he had told him true? Anything?

“Do you have more of those? Can I have a look?” Liam asked his sister, pointing at the magazine in his hands. Now, he wanted to know what else there was to read. 

#####

**Zayn’s POV**

Zayn’s day had been quite good. After he had overslept at Liam’s place, he had finally made it to his appointment which had been about his upcoming life performance. They had talked about the stage decoration and the enactment and Zayn was glad that he had been able to bring his own ideas and wishes into it. Some things were still controlled by his management, but he had at least a bit of influence on some parts.

This afternoon he had met up with Louis and of course, he had told him everything about Liam and his first sex with him. Well okay, he hadn’t told him _everything_ about the sex but they had gone quite into detail. Louis had seemed to be really delighted and Zayn had voiced his concern about telling Liam the truth. Or more about the fact that he hadn’t told him the truth yet. But tomorrow … yes, they’d meet tomorrow and then he would tell him. 

He had told his management that he only needed a few more days and even though they were quite impatient, they had agreed. 

Now, Zayn was laying on his couch, wrapped in a blanket and watching TV, when he heard a loud bang on his door. A bit surprised he looked at the clock which told him it was nearly midnight. Hm. He slowly got up, knowing that Carl wouldn’t let anyone upstairs who wasn’t welcome. It only took him a few seconds to get to the door and when he opened it, he was even more surprised to find Liam looking at him. 

“Liam?” He said, smiling in surprise. 

“Yeah, hi.” Liam merely said, leaving Zayn a bit confused but he stepped aside and let the other man in.

Liam walked in, looking so mad that Zayn stepped back a little. But before he could ask, Liam handed him a magazine and he only needed a quick glance to know which one it was. It showed himself on the cover with an article inside about his movie, his first single and his girlfriend. Oh.

“So?” Liam asked furiously.

“I … Liam, I … can explain, I swear.” Zayn was a bit desperate, because … he never wanted Liam to find out like this. He had wanted to tell him himself and yes, he had fucked it up. Zayn should have told him a lot earlier, but he hadn’t and now … now Liam had found out about him on his own. 

“What? What do you want to explain? The fact that you lied about your career? That you have a movie and a song out? Or should we talk about your lovely girlfriend?” 

“I … was afraid, okay? I thought … well, you didn’t know who I was and I … didn’t want to be treated like a fucking celebrity again!”

“Oh, come _on_!” Liam snorted. “Are you telling me about your hard life as a superstar now? Yeah, must be really hard!” Liam made a hand gesture that was supposedly including his luxurious loft, which made Zayn press his teeth together. 

“It’s just that … I don’t know, people treat me differently when they know who I am and I didn’t want you to do this. I liked the way we were able to talk and … I liked you, so … Liam, I wanted to tell you, really.” Zayn looked at him desperately.

“Yeah, sure.” Liam stayed silent for a little moment, staring at him in what looked like disgust. It made Zayn swallow hard. “Was this all just a game for you?”

“What? No! Of course not! Liam, I -”

“Was anything you told me true? Or was absolutely everything a lie?”

“No, Liam, I swear, everything important was true. Everything personal about me..”

“Like you having a girlfriend?”

Zayn closed his mouth, staring at Liam for a second. “I… don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Yeah? Well, it says here that you are in a relationship with this Perrie girl. Oh, but of course there were also Sarah, Michelle and Crystal in the past few months. You really come around.”

“Do you wanna say that I’m like … a slut or something?”

“Well, you weren’t really hard to get, were you.”

That was so unfair that Zayn opened his mouth, completely appalled. 

“Liam, you were the first man I’ve ever slept with. I’ve never even kissed a guy before. That’s not something I do casually.”

“So I’ve been your test object or what?”

Zayn sighed desperately. “No, of course not! Liam, I’ve told you so much about me that nobody knows. That nobody _can_ know. My depression, the thing with my father … the media doesn’t know and it’s supposed to stay that way.”

“Yeah, sure and I’m supposed to believe that now?” Liam looked at him, still furious and still disgusted which made Zayn’s heart break.

“Liam, the thing between us, the fact that I’m not straight … if anybody knew … it could ruin my whole career. But I trusted you with it. I trust you and everything I told you is true! Please, you have to believe me!” Zayn looked at Liam pleadingly, making a step towards him and reaching out with his hand. Liam, however, just slapped it away and Zayn felt like he had slapped him right across the face.

“How could I believe you? You still have a girlfriend!”

“I told you, I don’t! It’s not true, okay? Not everything in those shitty magazines is true! I slept with none of them and I certainly am in no relationship! It’s just PR!”

“I don’t believe you.”

“But it’s _true_!” Zayn’s voice was getting louder. He felt like he needed to be heard but Liam just wouldn’t listen. 

“Don’t you tell me anything about true or false. You LIED to me!” Liam shouted, making Zayn flinch a little. 

“I am sorry, Liam! I’m sorry I lied to you, but that’s the truth! I don’t have a girlfriend! I like _you_!”

“I can’t believe I fell for all this. For your acted insecurity, your eyes and your face … your vulnerability. Do you even have depression? Did your mom really die or did you make that up to get my sympathy?” Liam looked at him furiously and Zayn made a step back. 

“Liam…” Tears welled up in Zayn’s eyes. Yes, he had lied to him, but Liam was so unfair … so hard. “Please, you have to believe me! Everything I told you is true and I told you so much about me that nobody else knows. I laid everything in your hands even though it could ruin my career and my entire life, because I _trusted_ you! Please, Liam..”

“No. Don’t … don’t talk to me. Ever again.” Again, Zayn felt as if Liam had hit him in the face.

“Liam…” He sobbed but Liam just turned around and left his apartment.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! Hope you like it!

Zayn was laying on his back on one side of his couch, staring at the ceiling, his head resting in Louis’ lap. His best friend had come to his loft as soon as Zayn had called him and now they were laying there, eating little snacks while he told Louis what had happened with Liam.

“... so he doesn’t believe me. Louis, I even told him about my dad but now he thinks I made everything up.”

“You told him about your dad?” Louis looked at him, surprise showing on his face. “Like, everything?”

“Well, we didn’t go into much detail but he knows about the basics.”

“And he still thinks you were lying?”

Zayn nodded and Louis snorted.

“Fucker. I mean … yes, you did lie to him about your career, but he should know that all the rest was true.” Louis shook his head, obviously being quite mad at Liam.

“I don’t know, I kind of get it. He had to read in that shitty article that I have a girlfriend, so..”

“Yeah, but still..”

Zayn shook his head and sighed.

“He was so … cold. And mean. It was horrible.”

“I could beat him up, you know?”

Zayn laughed at Louis’ words and sat up, so he could look at him better. “No, you couldn’t. He’s taller and ripped … he’d crush you.”

“But I can be quite sneaky, he wouldn’t even see it coming.” Again, Zayn laughed a little, hugged Louis and then laid back again, his head resting on his best friend’s lap again. Louis slid his fingers into Zayn’s black, thick hair, caressing him gently.

“I miss him already, Louis. Isn’t that weird? I mean … I’ve only known him for like three weeks.” Little tears were gathering in his eyes again, but Zayn tried to blink them away.

Louis sighed but smiled a little. “Yeah, but you’ve always been quite intense with your feelings. You are so passionate about everything you do, why should it be any different now? When you fall, you fall hard.”

Zayn thought about Louis’ words. Yes, it was true, he was quite passionate about everything he did, no matter if it was music or acting or just engaging himself in a new show on Netflix. However, he had never felt so much so fast for another human being, let alone for another guy. Yes, he liked Liam a lot, so his words had stung even more. But had he fallen for him? Could someone fall in love within three weeks? Zayn wouldn’t know but what he did know was that he missed Liam.

“You know … he looked after me when I wasn’t feeling well… He called me ‘baby’ and I loved it.” Zayn looked up into Louis’ face, wondering what his best friend might think about his affection for men and his preference for such nicknames. Louis had always known him best and he couldn’t imagine his life without him.

“Yeah, of course you did.” Louis had a soft smile on his lips making Zayn wonder what he meant. Luckily, Louis offered the answer right away.

“Zayn, you sometimes act all tough and hard and detached from any emotions but actually you are the softest person I’ve ever met. Don’t get me wrong, you are also the strongest person I know. I think you just want to be taken care of once in a while and considering your past it’s not really surprising.”

Zayn was looking at Louis but when he had finished, he averted his gaze and stared at a point on the wall. Yeah, Louis was probably right. He had always taken care of his little brother and sometimes even his father but he had hardly received any love in return. Sure, Samee and Zayn loved each other, but he had never received the love from a parent, at least not in the past ten years. Instead he had been beaten up by his father, thrown out of their house or emotionally abused by harsh words. Yes, he was craving for love, even more so when there was someone who wanted to take care of him. Someone who was gentle and soft and determined. But he had lost Liam to his own stupidity so he couldn’t even blame him for his reaction. He had lied to him and he knew that.

“Mhh,” He made a non-committal sound and sighed. “But I fucked it up. He’ll never forgive me.”

Louis was fondling Zayn’s hair, making him feel quite comfortable. “He may just need some time. Or you could try to apologize again..”

“I don’t know. He made it quite clear that he doesn’t want me to contact him… I guess I should respect that after everything I’ve done.”

“Maybe you’re right…” Louis didn’t seem to be convinced but changed the subject nonetheless. “How are you now?”

“I’m … I don’t know. Not well. Dark. Veil-y. But I’m trying.” Zayn often said that it felt like he had to look through a thick veil when he was depressed. A veil which darkened the world around him and made him numb to certain things. Other things, however, he felt even more intense and sometimes they were just overwhelming. Louis knew this description of his, so he also knew what Zayn meant.

“Mh, I see. Come here, let’s cuddle.”

Zayn raised his head a bit, so Louis could get up and then lay down right next to him, cuddling up from behind and wrapping his arms around him. Zayn closed his eyes and let himself rest against Louis’ warm body.

“How was it for you? Discovering your sexuality?”

“Mhh, well, I’ve always known, haven’t I? It was just … I don’t know, always there and I never held back. Some people were really mean, but it somehow never bothered me.”

Yeah, Zayn remembered. They had been together in school from the very beginning, so he knew that some people had wanted to harass Louis for who he was, but his best friend had never let it happen. He had laughed at them for being so insecure about themselves that they had to bully him and had just shrugged it off. Zayn didn’t know how he had done it, but that was just Louis. He admired him for that, really.

“You’ll get there, I promise. Everything’s new right now and you have a lot more going on with Liam and your career and everything, but it’ll be okay.”

“Thanks, Lou.” Zayn smiled a little. He didn’t have a problem with his sexuality per se, it was just … so much so fast and he didn’t know how to handle it. He wasn’t afraid of being gay or bi or whatever might fit him best, he was just overwhelmed. And yes, he missed Liam and wanted to make things right again between them.

#####

**Liam’s POV**

“So, what’s up with you, Liam?”

Liam looked at Niall who had a worried expression on his face. They were all sitting in their living room on the couch, Niall and Harry playing video games together while Liam tried to study a bit. He could have stayed in his bedroom for that, but he hadn’t seen the other boys too much in the past two or three weeks, so he wanted to spend some time with them. A decision he started to regret right now. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you’re all grumpy and moody and you haven’t really talked to us in the past two days.”

“It’s nothing.”

Niall exchanged a look with Harry, who didn’t seem to be convinced either.

“Come on, talk to us, Liam.” Harry’s calm voice made Liam sigh. He didn’t really want to talk about Zayn, but on the other hand … Niall and Harry were quite good listeners and might be able to help him somehow.

“Well, I … met someone.” He literally saw two pairs of eyebrows going upwards.

“Yes, I knew it!” Niall said while fistbumping the air. Harry, however, asked “Okay, then why the long face? Is he a jerk?”

“No, not really. Well, yes, he is. It’s complicated.” Liam looked at his two flatmates and best friends and knew that he had to spill now that he had started talking. “So, I met him at the restaurant and he was just … perfect. Gorgeous, kind, funny. We kinda hooked up but it felt way deeper than that from the very beginning. More like a serious relationship. Well, or at least for me it felt like that. We talked a lot and I thought we’d connected and then … I found out that he’s a fucking celebrity and has a girlfriend.”

There was a moment of silence in which Harry and Niall seemed to process what they’ve just heard.

“He’s a celebrity?” Niall asked. “Who is it? Like … Daniel Radcliffe? Or Tom Holland?”

“No, Niall, I do know who they are, don’t I? But I had no clue who he was and he had lied to me the whole time. And I really liked him.”

“Was it Ed Sheeran?”

“Niall!”

“Okay, okay …” Niall raised his hands in defeat but listened carefully now.

“Did you confront him?” This time, Harry was talking.

“Yes, he said that … that he didn’t want me to treat him differently and that he liked how I treated him like a normal human being. And he said he doesn’t have a girlfriend and that it’s all PR.”

“Mhh and you don’t believe him?”

“I don’t know. I’d like to believe him but I just don’t. He deliberately lied to me and he had every chance to tell me the truth once we got to know each other better. We had sex and I’ve stayed with him for three fucking days when he wasn’t feeling well and he still didn’t tell me. So … I don’t think I could forgive him even if I believed him.”

“Yeah, I get that. But what if he really _was_ afraid and you now miss the chance to be with him?”

Liam looked at the curly-haired boy. “It’s just … you know, he told me some things about his family and himself and said that nobody else knows about that stuff. But how could I trust him again? How can I know what’s the truth and what’s a lie? He could have made it all up.”

“Hm, yeah, maybe..”

Again, there was a moment of silence in which Liam just stared at his university book, until Niall spoke again.

“But you do like him, don’t you?”

Liam looked up again and sighed. “Yeah, more than I’m willing to admit. But it doesn’t matter, it’s over.” He pressed his lips tightly together and Niall and Harry seemed to get that the conversation was as over as his once blooming relationship with Zayn.

#####

A few days later, Liam was sitting on his desk again, studying for one of his courses, when the doorbell rang. He slowly stood up and went to his apartment door, knowing that the other two boys were out, so no one else was there to open it. He pushed the button for the buzzer because he thought that Niall had bought something on Amazon again which was now being delivered, but when he opened the apartment door, he was a bit surprised. Two men in suits were coming his way and he was honestly surprised that they weren’t wearing sunglasses like the guys in Men in Black.

“Uhm, hello?”

“Good morning, Mr. Payne.” Liam raised his eyebrows. How did they know his name? And why so formal? “We are here in behalf of Mr. Zayn Malik. You have gained some personal information about Mr. Malik, so we have to ask you to sign this non-disclosure agreement. Upon signing this contract you agree on never talking about Mr. Malik to the press or privately ever again. If you break the contract, we are free to sue you.”

“You … I - what??” Liam looked at them in complete shock, not in the slightest capable of processing what was happening.

“Mr. Payne, we understand that it might be surprising, but if you just sign the NDA, we will leave you alone right away.” They both looked at him expectantly, as if their request was as normal as asking for a pen in class.

“I … uhm, excuse me for a second!” He slammed the door shut before he marched back into his bedroom, grabbed his phone from his desk and dialled Zayn’s phone. It only rang twice until there was Zayn’s familiar voice at the end of the line. It made him even more angry but he also felt his heart jump.

“Liam?” Zayn sounded pleasantly surprised.

“Are you fucking serious? You’re sending two giant blokes my way to sign a fucking contract?”

“Wh - wait, what??”

“Don’t play dumb! Are they going to beat me up if I refuse to sign that NDA or what?”

“Wh - I … are they at your place? Right now?”

“Yes! Aren’t you listening?”

“Okay, I’m on my way!” With that, Zayn hung up.

#####

Zayn was working on a song when his phone rang. He was in a bad mood and he missed Liam, so he had decided that he wanted to put his emotions into some new lyrics. But then Liam called and Zayn’s heart jumped, but he hadn’t expected it to go that way.

Zayn was fuming. And he was confused. He had told his management that he and Liam had fought but that he would approach him to make him sign the NDA. Obviously, his management didn’t trust him enough anymore and had taken it into their own hands. And fuck, if Liam had hated him before, there wouldn’t be any hope left for him to forgive Zayn now.

He got into his car as fast as he could and ten minutes later, he arrived in Liam’s street and parked the car across two parking slots, before he ran up to Liam’s front door. He rang the bell and a second later, he heard the buzzing sound that let him in. Zayn took two steps at once but when he reached Liam’s floor he froze for a second. Liam was standing in his door frame, arms crossed before his chest and looking like he was ready to murder someone. Preferably Zayn, apparently. Liam stared at him angrily while the two other men just looked bored and impatient.

Zayn quickly looked at them, but his main focus was on Liam. Liam. It hurt so bad to see him, especially when he had this hard look on his face. He missed him so much, he had to blink away his tears again. He wanted to wrap his arms around him, he wanted to feel the warmth of his body, he … but he couldn’t.

“What’s going on?” Zayn asked, looking at the two men in the black suits now. He was instantly reminded of the Men in Black.

“Well, you weren’t able to tell Mr. Payne to sign the NDA, so we did it for you.”

“Wait, you were planning on asking me to sign that?” Liam glared at him.

“Uhm, yes. I was supposed to give you the contract after telling you the truth about me.” Zayn dropped his gaze, not being able to look into Liam’s eyes.

“Great. That’s just great.”

“Mr. Payne, will you please sign the NDA now?” The taller guy - Zayn didn’t even know their names - looked so bored with this whole situation while the smaller one was tapping his foot impatiently.

“No. I’m not signing. You can’t make me and you won’t be able to sue me if I don’t sign.”

“Listen, we can offer you money. You hardly earn enough money to pay your rent and Mr. Horan and Mr. Styles aren’t better off, so -”

“What??” He turned to Zayn, murdering him with his glare. "What the hell did you tell them about me?"

Before Zayn could open his mouth, one of the two men from his management answered.

"Oh please, we have our own methods. We don't need him as a spy or anything." One of them pulled out a checkbook and wrote down a number Zayn couldn’t see, before he handed it over to Liam. The other boy took it, looked at it and was apparently speechless.

“So?”

“So what?”

“Will you sign the NDA now?”

“I’m … No!”

“Oh my god, Mr. Payne! That’s plenty of money considering it’s only for your pointless hookup with Mr. Malik and -”

“STOP!” There was a loud bang when Zayn’s fist collided with the wall. There was a long moment of silence in which Liam and the two men looked at Zayn, all three of them quite astonished. Liam seemed to come back to his senses the fastest.

“Just a pointless hookup, hm?”

“No, Liam, I swear that’s not what -”

“Just stop it, Zayn, honestly.”

“Liam, believe me. It’s never been just a hookup for me. I really wanted to be with you -”

“Just shut up!” Liam raised his voice and Zayn closed his mouth immediately, staring at him.

“Could we please continue this inside? Things are getting loud and we don’t want the neighbours to listen in.” Zayn looked at the tall guy in disbelief, rubbing his hurting knuckles.

“No, this gathering is over. You three leave now.”

“Liam -”

“Mr. Payne. Just take the NDA and read it through. We’ll give you a few days to reconsider.” The smaller man shoved the contract into Liam’s hands. Liam glared at them and then at Zayn, before he stepped back and slammed the door in their faces.

#####

Liam was angry. He was so angry he really wanted to smash something. For a second he thought about throwing something fragile against the wall just to experience the satisfaction of the shattering sound. Not that he was the violent type of guy, not in the slightest, but right at this moment he felt like this could help him. He heard the two men and Zayn leave his floor and descend the stairs while he himself just stood on the other side of the door, slightly trembling with nerves and anger. Liam waited for another five minutes before he went into his bedroom, put on some sweat pants and a loose shirt, before he left his flat to go running. He really needed to burn off some energy in order to clear his head and let the anger slowly leave his body and after an hour or so, he came back home, totally exhausted. 

His body was covered in sweat, but before he could enter his bathroom, his eyes fell on the contract he had thrown onto the coffee table earlier. With a sigh he sat down on the couch, took the papers and began reading. Liam didn't know what he had expected, but the contract was easy enough to understand. He wasn't supposed to talk about anything he had learned about Zayn or experienced with him. Not his mental health, not his family situation, not his sexuality. Liam was a bit surprised that these things were listed so explicitly but it at least gave him the confirmation that Zayn hadn't lied about that part. There were other parts that worried him though. Liam _was_ allowed to tell people he knew Zayn, but as soon as he let anything slip about the said issues or any other personal information, no matter if it was to friends, family or any kind of press or media, they were free to sue him. The Men in Black had been serious about that and Liam was frankly terrified and still reluctant to hand himself over like that.

######

Again, Zayn felt like he had fucked it up. He'd done everything wrong. No, even worse than wrong, it was a real disaster and if there had been any chance for Liam to forgive him, he knew that now there was no chance at all. He tried to wipe the tears from his face with his palm, because he was hardly able to see the street in front of him. Slowly, he navigated his car towards his home, feeling empty and hopeless and not even noticing how he crossed a red traffic light. There was a bunch of honking but Zayn just sobbed a bit harder, his hand aching from punching the wall before, just to add to the pain in his chest. He was angry and desperate and again, he called Louis.

"Hey mate," his best friend greeted him once he had picked up his phone.

"Lou," Zayn just sobbed.

"Oh fuck, what's up?"

"I ... they ... two guys from my management approached Liam and told him to sign the NDA. H-he called me, he was furious, so I drove to his place and ... it was awful. He's so mad at me."

"Oh boy. Tell me what happened."

"Well, I don't know, it happened so fast. Liam found out that _I_ was supposed to make him sign the NDA and one of the guys said that the thing between us was just a pointless hookup and ... I punched the wall and now my hand hurts like hell." Okay, that was a very incomplete version of the events but Zayn was hardly able to focus on his words and the traffic simultaneously. 

"You punched the wall?" Louis seemed to be a bit confused.

"Yes, I wanted them to stop talking, but Liam thinks it was just an affair for me anyways... He hates me, Louis." He sobbed even harder this time and decided to pull over the car, so he could gather himself before he continued his drive home. He killed the engine and leaned back in his seat.

"Okay, calm down, Z. I'm sure it's not that bad. Did he sign the NDA?"

"No. They even offered him money and I bet it wasn't just a few pounds. But he declined."

"Mh, can't blame him, can we. Would you sign a contract without reading it?"

"... No, I guess not." He rubbed over his face with his palms, trying to breathe more deeply.

"He still hates me. He'll never forgive me."

"I don't know, Zayn. He's done a lot for you, hasn't he? It sounded like he really cared for you. Maybe he just needs time to process everything or you could ... I dunno, make a grand gesture or something like that?"

"A grand gesture?" Of course, Zayn knew exactly what Louis meant. He was so much into rom-coms that he knew of every grand gesture that existed in movie history, but ... "But I can't come out, you know that. And I am not sure if I'm ready to, to be honest."

"Yes, of course I know and I don't think you have to. Just make it subtle."

"Mh, grand but subtle. Sounds easy enough."

Louis laughed a little at his words and Zayn could almost see how his best friends rolled his eyes.

"I'm sure you'll figure something out."

"Hm, I'll have to think about it. Louis ... do you really think he might forgive me?" Zayn's voice was quiet now.

"I really don't know, but if he doesn't, he'll miss something." 

Zayn smiled a little and started his engine again, so he could finally drive home. He'd probably just lay down and watch a sad movie but he also wanted to think about what he could do to win Liam back.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so happy about your positive feedback!
> 
> Hope you like this chapter, too!

Yes, Zayn had a plan. He had absolutely no idea if his plan would work but he needed to try. If he wanted to have any chance to get Liam to forgive him, he had to try. Zayn missed him so much and he just couldn't stand the thought that Liam hated him and that he thought that Zayn had lied to him. No, he wanted to make sure that he believed him, even if he wouldn‘t win him back with it. 

He knew that his plan was a bit risky but it was worth it, he knew that. Liam was worth it. So, a few days later when he was on his way to his first big live performance, he wrote a message to Liam, hoping that the other man hadn't already blocked his number.

_"Liam, I have my first big life performance on the X-Factor tonight. Please watch. Zayn"_

Zayn's heart was beating way too fast considering that he had only sent a simple text message, but ... well, a lot depended on that message. He really hoped that Liam would get it and even more that he would tune in tonight. It was a try and if it didn't work, he would try again.

They arrived at the X-Factor studios around midday for soundcheck and rehearsals and Zayn was damn nervous. He knew he could sing but so far he had only performed two or three times in front of a small crowd, but now ... it was the fucking X-Factor audience and a live broadcast to the whole country. It was big, he knew that and he didn't want to fuck it up. It was important for his career to prove himself especially since a lot of people didn't take actors seriously who decided to go into music business. But music had always been a passion to him and he had written lyrics ever since he could remember. 

Zayn was dressed in comfortable pants and a simple black tee when he entered the studios with Louis and a few people from his management's team. As it was his first big performance, Louis had promised to keep him company and give him a pep talk if Zayn needed one. They walked along a few passageways, passing a few people here and there before they finally reached the stage area. Zayn stood still for a moment and let his gaze wander around the huge hall. Nearly all the seats were empty right now, only two or three people sitting there who probably belonged to staff. As far as he could see they were pointing at cameras and light equipment while talking intensively, but Zayn's attention was caught when someone approached him.

"Hey. You are Zayn, right?" Zayn nodded and smiled at the guy who seemed to be pretty nice. "Great, we're nearly ready for your soundcheck, just give us two or three minutes."

"Yeah, sure, take your time. I'll just wait." Zayn was glad that he sounded like he knew what he was doing even though he felt like a four-year-old at the moment. He'd never been on a stage like that and his experience with soundchecks and stuff were quite limited. But he trusted his management enough - even though he did have many reservations against them. He talked to Andy for a moment who was one of the nicest people from his management and as promised it only took a few minutes, until the guy from before came back.

"Good, we're done. Oh, I'm Steve, by the way."

"Hey, nice to meet you." They smiled at each other while Steve led him onto the stage after receiving a nod from Andy. Louis took a seat in the audience and grinned up at him.

"That's quite a big stage. And hall." Zayn murmured, feeling a bit anxious.

"Oh, it's actually small compared to many other stages I've worked on. Do you suffer from stage fright?" Steve looked at him curiously.

"Mh, sometimes," Zayn answered vaguely while Steve handed him a wireless microphone. His hand hurt a bit when he took the mic and he knew that the little bruises on his knuckles would probably still be visible on TV.

"You'll do fine, I'm sure. You are the top act tonight." Obviously the other man thought that was a comforting piece of information, but it didn't help Zayn in the slightest. But okay, first they had to go through soundcheck and they'd have rehearsals later, so there was absolutely no need to be nervous right now. So he breathed deeply and then did what Steve instructed. He positioned himself on different spots on the stage, sang louder, quieter, higher, lower and watched the sound engineers adjust some settings until they, Andy and Zayn himself were satisfied. Zayn wouldn't even move much on stage but according to the staff it was still necessary to do all that. He used this soundcheck as a warm-up, so they could continue with the actual rehearsal right away. It took them another view minutes to get the light engineers and the band ready, but then they were able to start. And Zayn was quite satisfied. There were one or two parts where he wanted to put more focus on during the actual performance later but it went quite well.

When he was finished he had a few hours to relax and get ready. He sat down next to Louis and sighed a little.

"That was awesome, man!" Louis grinned at him, obviously a bit impressed by Zayn's performance even though he had heard him sing for years now.

"Thanks! Do you like the stage production? The light thing at the beginning was my idea and I quite like it, so you better agree." He laughed a little.

"I'd have done that anyway. I love it and you're gonna smash it later!"

"Thanks, I hope you're right."

"Of course I am." They both laughed and then talked about what was going on in the hall. The X-Factor candidates took their turns with the rehearsals now and a few of them approached him and asked for his autograph. They also took some pictures together and talked a bit about their performances. It was quite nice and helped Zayn to relax a little. They ate some sandwiches and then it was slowly time for him to get ready. The audience had already filled in so the hall was buzzing with excited conversation and laughter, which Zayn and Louis only witnessed from the backstage area now. 

Andy told him to get back to the dressing rooms where a stylist and his outfit were waiting for him. His hair was styled into an impressive quiff before he put on the black, tight trousers, black shoes and a white shirt. His face was powdered so his face wouldn't shine on stage and then he took his time to warm up his voice again. He knew that the show was already running but he was one of the last acts, so he had enough time to prepare for his own performance. Louis tried to distract him from his nervousness, but he was anxious nonetheless. A hundred thoughts went through his mind, starting from 'what if he fucked up?' and ending with 'what if he fucked up so bad they would throw him out of the studio and fired him?'. And of course he also thought about Liam. He wondered whether the other boy was watching the show and what he might think about Zayn's performance. And about what else he wanted to do. Zayn went through everything he wanted to say word by word because he knew that he wouldn't have much time and he couldn't afford to stumble over his own words. 

Eventually, it was time to come back to the immediate backstage area, where he knew he would be interviewed right before his performance. Louis gave him a thumps-up from nearby but had to stand far away enough that he wouldn't disturb the interview and all the busy people from staff. And then it was showtime. 

#####

**Liam's POV**

Liam was surprised when his phone buzzed and showed him a new text message from Zayn. He hadn't heard from the other man since the incident with his management and he hadn't expected him to have the nerve to contact him. But here he was. Liam slowly opened the message and read the words, not sure what he was supposed to think. Okay, so Zayn had a live performance. His first really big one. Big deal, he didn't care. Well, he somehow did. But why should he watch? Did Zayn expect him to forgive him and fall in love with him when he saw him singing on stage? He didn't think so. Liam didn't have a clue what Zayn sounded like when singing because he had actively avoided gathering any more information about him, but he didn't think he could fall in love just because of his voice. Or because of how he looked on stage. No, he didn't care, really.

He tried to keep himself busy during the day. He went for a run, he studied for his courses and he cleaned the bathroom before he cooked dinner for himself and his friends. They wanted to spend the evening together and when Niall came in and asked what they wanted to watch, Liam hesitated. 

"Uhm ... would you ... be up for the X-Factor? Maybe?"

Niall and Harry looked a bit surprised but also delighted. "Sure, how come?"

"Well, I ... you know, I have this course at uni where we are supposed to watch different stage productions, so I thought ... maybe the show would be quite good for that?"

Liam didn't even know why he wanted to watch it now. He was still so mad at Zayn and didn't think he could possibly forgive him anytime soon, but still ... he was curious why the other man wanted him to watch the show. He could still turn it off or leave the room or just forget what he'd see there, so ... no harm done, right?

They sat down for dinner and talked about uni, work and the other boys' personal lives. Niall was dating this girl and went quite into detail with his story about their last date. It sounded nice, really, so Liam was grinning most of the time, exchanging little glances with Harry, who seemed to be equally amused. Liam loved his best friends, especially since they were able to make him forget Zayn for a few minutes. 

Finally, they sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, where the X-Factor was right about to start. At the beginning, they showed a little teaser trailer which also announced Zayn as the top act and seeing his face there alone made Liam's heart stutter. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to see him there on stage but at the same time he was so curious what he might sound like and what kind of music he made. Liam tried to distract himself from Zayn by chatting with Niall and Harry about the contestants, but he was becoming more and more nervous the farther the show went on. And then, there he was. Zayn was about to give an interview and he ... looked absolutely breathtaking. He heard Niall saying something similar to his thoughts about Zayn, but he just stared at the TV, where the black-haired boy grinned right into the camera. 

"So, Zayn, that's your first performance on national TV. Are you nervous?" The presenter asked him.

"Yes, I'm quite nervous but I'm also so excited. Can't wait to get on stage." Zayn was his usual charming self but there was also something about him that was slightly different than how Liam knew him. He didn't know if Zayn just acted differently in front of cameras, if that was also some kind of PR thing or media training thing ... he had no idea, but he he noticed the fraction of difference. 

"I'm sure you'll do great. Your single is number one in nearly fifty countries around the world and a lot of people are quite curious to hear you live."

"It's really amazing. I never would have thought that people want to listen to my music, but ... well, here I am." Zayn raised his hand to scratch his jawline, where a very faint stubble was visible but Liam focused more on the bruises on his knuckles which reminded him of the time he had last seen him. He swallowed hard.

"Great, you'll be on stage in about a minute, so -" Liam already turned his head to look at Harry and Niall, when -

"Wait, I want to say something real quick, please." Zayn interrupted the presenter who seemed a bit confused but nodded. Liam looked at Zayn who dropped this little nuance of personality he had shown so far in front of the camera. He looked straight into the camera, before he started talking again.

"I really hope you got my message this morning and that you're watching this right now. I ... I am so sorry, really. For everything. I know I messed up but everything that happened between us was real, I promise. I was truthful with everything that matters and I hope that you can forgive me some day. And ... I miss you." Zayn was looking so honest and sad and serious that Liam's heart stuttered. He stared at the TV where the confused presenter tried to catch on, said something about being back in a minute for Zayn's performance, before a short commercial break started.

"What the hell was that?" Niall blurted out but Liam couldn't stop staring at the TV. Zayn ... he really used fucking national TV to apologize to him because Liam had never really given him the chance to talk to him. He had cut him off on two occasions, but this - this was something else. And he didn't really have the chance to compose himself because after what felt like a second the show was back on.

They immediately started off with showing the stage which was completely in the dark with only faint lights on that showed the silhouettes of Zayn and the band. There was some cheering and applause when the music started and second later he heard Zayn's singing voice for the very first time.

_Lights go down and the night is calling to me, yeah_

_I hear voices singing songs in the street_

_And I know that we won't be going home for so long, for so long_

_But I know that I won't be on my own, yeah_

_I love this feeling and_

Zayn's voice was beautiful. Breathtaking. Liam was in some kind of shock even more so when the song morphed from the verse into the chorus and the stage was suddenly bathed in warm golden light with a spot on Zayn who looked right into the camera again.

_Right now_

_I wish you were here with me_

_'Cause right now_

_Everything is new to me_

_You know I can't fight the feeling_

_And every night I feel it_

_Right now_

_I wish you were here with me_

Liam knew that Zayn was singing right to him. Told him that he missed him and that he couldn't fight against his feelings and even though the song wasn't written for their situation, it fit perfectly. Liam's eyes were swimming in tears. He was totally overwhelmed by Zayn's angelic voice, his breathtaking appearance, the light on stage ... by Zayn singing to him. Liam felt like his heart had stopped beating but at the same time it was racing so hard that he couldn't breathe. The song went on and Liam followed every one of Zayn's movements and glances until he eventually came to an end. There was loud applause and cheering and he heard Niall and Harry chat in the background even though he didn't really catch on any of their words until -

"LIAM?"

"What?"

"What's wrong with you?"

"N-nothing."

"... Liam? Have you seen a ghost or what?" Niall laughed at his own words but when Liam looked at them, they both fell silent. He saw them exchange looks but then Harry seemed to realize something.

"Oh my dear god. It's him, isn't it?"

Liam slowly nodded while Niall seemed to need another second to understand.

"Who's who? Oh - wait! Zayn Malik is ... your celebrity guy?"

"Y-yes..."

"And he apologized on TV? And ... he sang to you, man!"

"I ... I know, I ... I saw." Liam was still unable to process anything so he still stared at Harry and Niall.

"What are you going to do now?"

"I really don't know. I ... he ... and I ..." Liam's words didn't make any sense, so he stopped talking and sighed. "Fuck, I haven't seen it coming. He texted me this morning and asked me to watch the show, but ... I never would have thought that he might do something like that. That's quite big, isn't it?"

"Yes, Liam! And it's quite romantic, too. Do you think you might reconsider everything? That he might be worth it to at least try to forgive him?"

Liam looked at Harry for a moment and let himself fall onto his side, so he came to lay halfway over Niall's lap. "Yeah ... he might be. He was ... awesome, wasn't he?"

"I think that's an understatement." Niall grinned down at him. "I can't believe you were seeing Zayn fucking Malik. I follow him on Twitter, you know, and he had been tweeting this random stuff lately. I figure it had been about you."

Liam furrowed his brows, looking up into Niall's face. "He tweeted about me?"

"Yeah, well. It was all very vague. Some of them sounded like poems or lyrics."

"Can I see them?"

"Sure. Just let me ..." Niall motioned him to make space so he could pull his phone out of his jeans pocket. It took only a few seconds until he gave the phone to Liam who was now able to read Zayn's tweets from the past three weeks, sitting back on the couch again.

Liam read the tweets and looked at the dates Zayn had written them. The first one was from the day after Liam had crashed at his place, the second one from shortly after Zayn's depressive episode. The other two were from the day after Zayn had slept at Liam's place. He had tweeted them shortly before Liam had banged on his door and confronted him with everything he had found out. 

"He really tweeted about me..." He quietly said, looking at the other boys in amazement.

"Yes, he did. Most people thought they were about his 'girlfriend' -" Niall made quotation marks with his fingers " - but they were about you. Damn, you lucky bastard."

Liam sighed and buried his face in his hands. "He really does like me, huh?"

He heard the other boys laugh softly but didn't look up. "Looks more like he's in love with you."

Now, Liam did look up. "Oh boy..."

"What about you, Li?" Harry looked at him curiously.

"I ... man, I'm head over heels. But ... he did lie to me."

"Yes, he made a mistake but don't you think he deserves a second chance?" They looked at each other for a few seconds before Liam sighed.

######

**Zayn's POV**

Zayn really hoped that Liam would see his short interview. He wanted him to hear his apology. It was sincere - he meant every word and even though he knew he was in trouble, he didn't care. He didn't have the time to care anyway, because he had to go out onto the stage right after his interview had ended. The stage was completely in the dark, so the audience wouldn't see him right away. He only had few seconds to collect himself, take a deep breath and get ready for his performance. Zayn was nervous. He was frightened, but he somehow managed to focus on his task. Slowly, he closed his eyes, took another deep breath and laid his hands on the mic stand, before he heard the first quiet tunes of his song. He had co-written it and he loved the song and even though it had been produced a few months ago, it fit perfectly for his situation with Liam right now. It was a coincidence, but Zayn took the chance to let Liam know that he wanted him to be here with him. The second he began to sing all the tension left his body, the anxiety vanished and he was free to perform from the bottom of his heart. He heard a few people cheer right at the beginning and when the stage was flooded with golden light, the noise got louder. And Zayn felt so lucky and happy. He sang passionately and looked into the cameras whenever he knew which one of the many in the studio was on his face while he imaged that he could look right into Liam's eyes. The three minutes on stage felt like two seconds and at the same time like a whole eternity, but when he finished his song, he smiled brightly, waved and threw a few kisses into the audience, which was cheering loudly.

Zayn ran off the stage and was instantly greeted by Louis, who had a big grin on his face and showed him a thumbs-up before he hugged him excitedly. 

"You were fantastic! You did it, man!"

"Thank you! Oh my god, I think my nerves are catching up." Zayn leaned over and placed his hands on his knees to steady himself and take a deep breath, but he was still grinning. "Fuck it, it felt brilliant!"

Before they could say anything else, Andy approached them, a stern look on his face.

"I swear to god, Zayn. At least a hundred hairs on my head turned grey in the past ten minutes." He sighed. "But you were really good out there. Congrats on your first big gig."

Zayn grinned and shook hands with Andy, who seemed stressed out enough for him to feel a bit guilty. "I'm sorry, Andy, I had to do it."

"I know, I know. The PR team is already working on a cover-up story. They'll probably make some tabloids write about how you and Perry had a bad fight and how you made this grand gesture to win her back. You know the drill."

Yeah, Zayn did know the drill and he had already expected something like that, but he honestly didn't care. He wanted to have a chance with Liam and he wanted to fight for it. So, even if he wasn't allowed to be with him publicly, he at least wanted to see him privately. He was able to separate these two things, he was sure of that and he wouldn't give in. Well ... assuming Liam did give him a second chance. 

They went back to the changing room, where Andy left them alone and Zayn checked his phone at once but put it away a second later, a bit disappointed.

"Nothing?" Louis looked at him, twisting his mouth a little. 

"No, nothing. Maybe he just ... didn't see it?" Zayn tried to convince himself more than Louis.

"Yeah ... maybe. Or he needs a few hours to process everything."

"Mh-hm." Zayn sighed, hoping Louis was right. 

He was nervous but he also quite happy and excited about his performance, so they decided to celebrate a bit. Zayn changed back into his own comfortable clothes before they made their way back and were driven to Zayn's loft half an hour later. They shared a joint, listened to some music and just had a good night together just like they had done when they had both been teenagers. Zayn loved every minute of it, but he often looked at his phone even though Liam probably was fast asleep already.

The next morning, there was still nothing. Zayn didn't know what he had expected but he surely hadn't thought that he would be awarded with silence. He still drove to his management's office that afternoon, where was stuck in a meeting for a few hours. They discussed many things and when he was on his way back, he was a bit more optimistic, even though there was still no message from Liam. Maybe he wouldn't contact him. There was a big chance that he hadn't even seen the show or that he had seen it, but he wouldn't forgive him and to be honest, Zayn would understand it. He had fucked up so bad and he knew it, but there had still been hope that Liam might give him a second chance. It didn't look like it, though. He parked his car in front of his building, got out and when he turned around - 

"Liam?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter took a while! With christmas and other stuff I was a bit distracted from writing. But here we are, hope you enjoy!

"Liam?" Zayn stared at the other boy who was standing in front of his building, obviously waiting for him.

"Uh, hi." Liam seemed a bit nervous and his presence alone made Zayn's heart stutter. 

"Hi..." Zayn made a few steps in Liam's direction, anxious about his intentions and not allowing himself to hope. He just couldn't hope, because Liam might well be here to tell him to fuck off and never address him again. 

"I ... I saw your performance."

"Oh. What do you ... think about it?" Zayn fumbled with his keys, not sure whether he really wanted to hear Liam's answer. Of course the whole point was for Liam to see it, but ... what if it hadn't worked? What if it had had the opposite effect on Liam?

"Can we go inside and talk?" Zayn's heart sank a little but he nodded.

"Yes... sure." 

They silently entered the building and Zayn noticed for the first time the pieces of paper Liam held in his hands. He didn't know what it was and he didn't want to ask. They took the elevator to the top floor and a minute later entered his loft. Zayn took off his jacket and then there they stood, nervously eyeing each other.

"So ...?" Zayn started.

"Uhm, I signed the NDA." Liam held out the papers which Zayn slowly took, looking at them in surprise. 

"Oh... thank you." Zayn didn't know what to say, so he just put the contract on the nearby table and eyed Liam anxiously again. He was afraid of what he might have to say but wanted to know it nevertheless. Preferably sooner than later, before his brain would get seriously damaged from overthinking.

"So... as I said, I saw your performance. And your interview. And ... I checked your tweets."

Now, Zayn raised his eyebrows in surprise, because Liam had never shown any interest in social media. Liam saw his expression and went on. 

"Well, Niall, my flatmate, follows you and told me about your recent tweets after we watched the show. They ... they know now. He and Harry. I couldn't keep it from them." Liam seemed to be nervous about this piece of information, but Zayn only sighed.

"Okay," he merely said, not wanting to go into the discussion that they both would need to sign a NDA sooner or later, no matter how this conversation continued. 

"So, you were serious?" Liam asked him and although Zayn didn't know what exactly he meant, he nodded at once, looking at him desperately and taking this chance to explain himself.

"Yes! Yes, Liam, I am so sorry about everything. I know I should have told you sooner or well, at all, but ... I really liked you and I am so used to people using me for my money and my status by now - I didn't want that to infiltrate what we had. Not until I was sure you like me for who _I_ am and then ... I was sure but I was still afraid and with each day it became harder and harder." Zayn took a deep breath. "I am really sorry. But I swear, everything I told you about me is true."

Liam looked at him, his eyes getting softer. "So you don't have a girlfriend, do you?"

"No, I don't. It's just a PR thing because my and her management thought the movie might sell better with a love story between us. And that my love songs would be more believable if there was a girlfriend people could associate them with. But I swear, I've never had feelings for her and nothing ever happened between us. Well, apart from what is seen in the movie, of course, but that really doesn't count. It's all just ... pretending. Everything with her is just pretending. I ... I like _you_ , Liam."

There was a long moment of silence, in which they just looked at each other, Zayn kind of desperately, Liam with a thoughtful expression on his face. A few seconds passed by and Zayn started to count his own heartbeats, but then ... Liam hurried towards him, laid his hands on his cheeks and pressed his lips on Zayn's. 

Zayn was completely taken by surprise and needed two seconds to react to this turn of events but then he wrapped his arms around Liam's neck, kissing him back needily. He moaned against his lips in relief, sensing how all the tension and anxiety fell off his shoulders while they kissed. Liam's lips felt so soft and warm and welcoming and only now he realized how much he had actually missed him. Their bodies fit together perfectly at once. After a few seconds, however, Zayn pulled away reluctantly, still having his arms placed on Liam's shoulders. 

"Liam, there are still some things I have to tell you."

"Can't that wait?" Liam asked, trying to kiss him again but as much as Zayn wanted to give in, he just couldn't. 

"No, it can't. Come." He pulled away, taking Liam's hand and guiding him over to his couch, where they sat down together. Zayn felt a bit of the tension creep back into his body.

"Uhm ... the thing is, my management doesn't allow me to come out and ... to be honest, I don't know if I am ready for that either."

"Okay, so ...?" Liam looked at him questioningly. 

"So, if you want to be with me, we can't be together publicly. I fought with my manager over it, but the most I could achieve is that we can date privately, but publicly we can only be friends." He saw Liam's face tense up a bit. "I understand if that is not enough for you, but it's all I can offer for now. So ... it's your decision."

Liam studied his face for a few seconds, obviously contemplating his options, but then he sighed and smiled.

"Well, it's not exactly what I dreamed of. I have been out for a few years now and didn't plan on going back into hiding, but ... I like you, too, Zayn, and I want us to have this chance. I want to know everything about you and I want to be with you, even if it's only when nobody sees us."

Zayn smiled in relief and nodded. He completely understood that this wasn't the relationship Liam wanted, but perhaps it could be enough for now and until he would be able to come out. 

"I want to be with you, too, Liam. I really do. And I think our families and closest friends can know, if, well, they sign a NDA."

"Okay. I ... I have to think about it. About whether I want them to sign such a contract, I mean."

"I understand." Zayn hesitated. "So... does that mean ... we are together now?" He smiled shily, receiving a gentle smile from Liam in return.

"Yes, I guess we are. Finally. And Zayn, I am sorry I made it so hard for you to apologise and explain yourself. I was just so angry and confused." Liam looked at him seriously, but Zayn only shook his head.

"It's okay, I get it. I would have been angry, too." 

For a few seconds they just smiled at each other and Zayn felt his heartbeat speed up again.

"Do you want to stay?" Zayn quietly asked, already leaning closer to Liam, who mirrored his movement and leaned in.

"I'd love to," he murmured right before their lips met and their eyes closed. Zayn sighed contentedly while he opened his lips and deepened their kiss, moving closer to Liam, who wrapped his arms around him and pulled him onto his lap. Zayn smiled happily, rubbing over Liam's nose with the tip of his own nose. 

"You know what?" Liam asked him, making Zayn tilt his head a little questioningly. "Your voice is incredible. And I really liked your song ... you literally took my breath away when you stood on that stage."

Zayn's smile widened while he pressed himself a bit more against Liam, his knees resting on the couch left and right from the other boy's hips. "I'm glad you liked it. It was my first big performance and I was so nervous. At some point before the show I thought I might throw up actually." He laughed quietly, caressing Liam's cheek with his fingertips.

"You didn't show any of that in front of the camera. You seemed so confident.." 

"Yeah, well, I am quite a good actor." Zayn grinned. "Sometimes I just am who I'm supposed to be in front of the cameras. I learned to hide my insecurities." Again, he softly kissed Liam, brushing over his lips gently. 

"So, there are two different Zayns? The one for the cameras and the one when there are no cameras around?" Liam looked at him curiously but had a soft smile on his lips.

"No, not really. I try to be myself as much as possible, there are just some little aspects I hide sometimes."

"Mhh, I get that. Is it hard?"

Zayn grinned at Liam's words, before he looked down between their bodies and raised his eyebrows mischievously. "Hm, not fully yet.."

They both laughed quietly, but Liam shook his head. "That's not exactly what I meant."

They kissed again. "No, it's not really hard. People don't have to know everything about me. Some things I like to keep private and hiding my nervousness actually helps me with coping with it."

"And do you think your sexuality will be one of those things?" Liam was stroking his back and his upper thigh softly, looking up at him with a kind smile.

"Mh, not in the long term. For now it's okay, I guess. I ... I don't even know which label fits me best, you know? Everything is so new and I think I need a little time to adjust and come to terms with everything, but eventually ... I wanna come out and be who I am."

Again, they smiled at each other.

"Take your time." Liam laid his fingers on Zayn's cheek, pulled him closer and kissed him deeply again.

"I missed that," Zayn whispered after a few seconds of tender kissing, in which he had caressed Liam's neck with his fingertips. "And I missed _you_. So much." His voice was barely audible while he brushed over Liam's lips with his own, before he kissed him urgently again. Liam groaned a little, letting his hands wander over Zayn's back and down to his ass. He grasped him firmly and pulled him closer, making Zayn moan quietly. He moved his hips, grinding down on Liam's lap and grinned. 

"Mhh, we're getting there," he said, feeling Liam's hardening length underneath him. 

Liam laughed, shook his head a little and wrapped both arms tightly around the other boy's slim form, before he turned him around quickly. Zayn landed on his back on the couch with Liam on top of him who smiled at him for a second, before he pressed his lips on Zayn's. 

"I think you _are_ already there." Liam pushed Zayn's legs a bit further apart, so he could press his crotch firmly on Zayn's. 

"Ah, yes, I am. I'm hard for you.." He moaned and watched how Liam moved a bit lower, pushed Zayn's shirt upwards and started kissing his stomach. 

"Mh, good. Your skin is so soft..." Liam murmured, caressing Zayn's skin with his lips and giving him goosebumps. Zayn closed his eyes and bit his lip softly, while Liam kept on kissing his stomach. Slowly, he pushed his shirt even higher, placing little kisses on Zayn's chest before he gently touched one of his nipples with the tip of his tongue. Zayn moaned in pleasure, making Liam smile contentedly. 

"Turn around, baby" Liam's voice was gentle and when Zayn came up, he slowly pulled his shirt of his head and let it fall to the ground. Zayn turned around, so he came to lay on his stomach while Liam knelt between his legs. He bent down again, softly stroking his back with his fingers, while Zayn folded his arms under his head and rested his cheek on them. He closed his eyes when he felt Liam's warm lips on his neck. Liam kissed his skin and slowly moved downwards, caressing his body with his warm fingers, which came to a halt at his waistband. Liam slid his fingertips under his trousers and Zayn lifted his hips a little so Liam could pull them down. He hummed softly when Liam touched his bare ass and fuck, yes, he was already hard. 

Liam stroked his upper thighs and his buttcheeks, kissed his back and gently bit into his skin which made Zayn moan quietly. 

"I like your ass.." Liam murmured and Zayn could hear the smile on his lips.

"I think it likes you, too." Zayn blinked up at him a little, grinning and biting his lip when he saw Liam bending down again and biting into one of his buttcheeks, not so gently this time. Zayn's eyelids fluttered shut and his moan was much louder this time. 

"You like that?" Liam asked, looking at him curiously and making Zayn blush a little.

"I guess so..."

"Mhh, interesting. I'll keep that in mind for later occasions." Zayn grinned at Liam's words, but moaned again a second later because the older boy spread his buttcheeks and started to gently rub over his sensitive skin there with his thumb. He only had one sexual experience where his ass had really been involved, but yes, he liked it a lot to be touched there and felt his arousal grow. Again, he moaned hoarsely and followed at once when Liam slowly pushed his legs further apart. Liam then slid his fingers between his legs, touched his balls and made Zayn grasp the fabric underneath him. Before he could even think about anything to say, he was a bit overwhelmed by this kind of stimulation. One hand massaging his balls, the other rubbing over his entrance and to be honest, Zayn couldn't decide which one he liked best. His lips were slightly parted, his eyes closed and he groaned in pleasure, bit his lip and started to grind down a little from time to time, but when Liam pushed on finger cautiously inside him, he kind of lost it for a second. 

"Oh, fuck... Liam, you're driving me crazy."

"Good." Liam smiled at him and continued with what he was doing, so Zayn turned his head a little.

"Take off your shirt please."

Liam grinned, pulled his hands away and took off his shirt, so Zayn could see his upper body.

"Fuck, you're so fit.." He let his eyes travel over his defined chest and his muscular stomach, before he looked at Liam's crotch. "Will you take off your pants, too?" He grinned while Liam laughed quietly. The other boy nodded, stood up and slowly took of his trousers and underwear, so his erection sprang free a second later. Zayn moaned and looked up at him.

"Okay, you can go on now, it will be even better when I know you're naked." Zayn grinned and Liam sat down between his thighs again, leaning down and kissing Zayn's shoulder. 

"You're quite demanding.." Liam murmured, kissing his spine and laying his fingers on Zayn's arse again.

"Mhmm, you're so sexy, I just have to see you nak- oh!" Zayn interrupted himself with a loud moan, because Liam had bent down and licked over his hole without any warning. And shit, nobody had ever done that to him, obviously. 

"Oh fuck!" Again, he moaned loudly but Liam went on without hesitation. He had spread his arsecheeks with both hands and licked over his hole quite vigorously, before he slid one hand down and started massaging his balls again. And when Liam pushed the tip of his tongue inside, Zayn nearly lost it again. He grasped the fabric of the couch again and ground down a little to get himself a bit of friction on his throbbing erection. He felt another sensation in his ass and only needed a second to realize that Liam had pushed two of his fingers inside and started to tease his balls with his tongue now. He went on with this for a few minutes until Zayn was panting underneath him. 

"Come on, fuck me already."

"We need lube and condoms.."

"Shit, yes. In my bedroom.. in my drawer.."

Liam pulled his fingers away and stood up, before he hurried into Zayn's bedroom and came back half a minute later, condoms and lube in his hands. Zayn came to his knees and took the condoms out of Liam's hand. 

"Come here.." He said, so Liam knelt down in front of him. Zayn unwrapped the condom, but before he put in on Liam's erection, he grinned up at him and licked over his length. He put his lips around his cock and sucked gently, enjoying the feeling of his hard and heavy erection on his tongue and the sound of Liam's lustful moans. He only spent half a minute on sucking his dick before he pulled away and rolled the condom over his length.

"Okay, but now fuck me!" He grinned at Liam and brought their lips together so they could kiss heatedly for a few seconds. Then Zayn turned to the backrest of the couch, leaned his upper body over it and stuck out his ass for Liam, who hummed with satisfaction. He knelt behind him, lined himself up and laid his hand on Zayn's hip before he slowly and gently pushed inside. Liam took his time, so Zayn could get used to the feeling and when he was completely buried in his ass, they both let out the air and moaned.

"Shit, you are so tight..."

Zayn only groaned as an answer and let himself sink down on the backrest even more, pushing back against Liam who took this as an invitation to start moving. He started off slowly but deeply and Zayn parted his legs a bit more and moaned with each thrust while he laid his fingers on his own erection and stroked in sync with Liam's movements. 

"Faster, Liam. Harder."

Liam didn't answer but followed his wish at once, holding Zayn's hip a bit tighter and thrusting into him with much more speed and force. Zayn moaned loudly and fastened the strokes on his own dick, but was taken by surprise when Liam laid his hand on the other boy's chest and pulled him upwards. His shoulders were pushed against his chest now and Liam's fingers laid gently on his throat while he turned Zayn's head so they could kiss heatedly. All the while, Liam thrust into him, making Zayn moan into their kiss and making it hard for him to concentrate on moving his lips against Liam's. His own strokes on his erection had become a bit sloppy but he actually didn't care. He was so close already and Liam's dick made his ass burn just enough to make it feel good.

"I'm close," Liam slowed down and groaned against his lips.

"Me too." Again, they kissed feverishly and Liam sped up again, pushing Zayn over the edge just a few seconds later. He came hard and with a loud and lustful moan only to be followed by Liam a moment later. He thrust in one last time before he came to halt, panting and still holding Zayn upright. Zayn let go of his own softening dick and only now realized that his thighs were shaking a little with the effort of carrying his weight. 

Liam pulled out after a few seconds making Zayn groan quietly. He let himself fall onto the couch, so Zayn could lay down on top of him, his cheek resting on Liam's chest so he could hear his quickened heartbeat. 

For a minute or two they both stayed silent, recovering their breaths and just enjoying each others company. 

"Does this count as make-up sex?" Zayn asked softly and with closed eyes.

"Mhh, I guess so." He could hear Liam's smile in his voice which made him sigh contentedly. 

"Good. I never had make-up sex before. I really liked it."

"So did I. How's your ass?"

"Mhh, a bit sore, but in a good way."

Liam moved one hand from Zayn's shoulder down to his butt, stroking his skin gently and making him shiver.

"That's nice." Again, he sighed. "I'm so happy you came here tonight."

"So am I ... I needed the time to wrap my head around everything.."

"Quite understandable."

"You know, Niall is really excited because I know you."

"Really?" Zayn laughed softly, raising his head and resting his chin on Liam's chest now, so he could look at him.

"Yeah. He's a fan of yours. Well, not like a crazy stalker fan, but he likes your song and thinks you're quite a good catch."

Again, Zayn laughed and shook his head a little. "I'd really like to meet your friends. Harry and Niall." If they were so close, he'd like to meet them. He wanted to know as much about Liam as possible which definitely included meeting his best friends. 

"Really? That'd be great. Niall might ask for an autograph, though. But they are both awesome and I think you'll like each other."

Zayn smiled, scooted a bit upwards and brought their lips together for a soft kiss. "Okay. Mhhh, I like the idea of meeting my boyfriend's friends."

"And I like you calling me your boyfriend." 

"I like you _being_ my boyfriend."

They both laughed softly.

"I'm really happy right now, Liam."

"Good, I am happy, too."

They kissed again before Zayn rested his cheek on Liam's chest once more, just enjoying the warmth of his body and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, you might think this is the end - it's not. In fact, it is some kind of beginning and I have A LOT planned for these two. I think they might hate me for a few of these things :D  
> So, happy new year you all <3


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